2. misa campo
3. butterfly knife
4. tattoo gun
5. sky rockets
6. jaguar
7. DSLR
8. a briefcase full of cash
9. MF DOOMs mask
10. moon boots
Thursday, April 29, 2010
10 things i will accept as birthday presents
1. an ounce
2. misa campo
3. butterfly knife
4. tattoo gun
5. sky rockets
6. jaguar
7. DSLR
8. a briefcase full of cash
9. MF DOOMs mask
10. moon boots
2. misa campo
3. butterfly knife
4. tattoo gun
5. sky rockets
6. jaguar
7. DSLR
8. a briefcase full of cash
9. MF DOOMs mask
10. moon boots
Saturday, April 24, 2010
common sayings that are retarded
"life is short"
despite what inspirational quotes say, life is not short. life is fuckin long. the average lifespan today is around 75 years. yup, 75 freakin years. do you know what can happen in 75 years? shrubs can grow into trees, glaciers can dwindle down to ice cubes and governments can process your paper work. the last time i checked, none of that shit could happen without at least a few years falling off the calendar.
try asking someone thats been wrongfully imprisoned for life if "life is short". he'll most likely stab you with a prison shank made from a sharpened toothbrush for asking such a stupid question, before using one of your thigh bones to tattoo another line on his forearm representing the last miserable year that he's spent in this hell hole.
know what is short? walking to work instead of driving. waiting in toilet lines at music festivals. how long it takes you to check your emails on a dial up connection. if life is so fuckin short, appreciate that shit. 'cause youll be conscious of it for every bleeding second it takes.
"...its the least i could do"
this is what people say after theyve been thanked for seemingly going out of their way to help someone, as if to imply that their moral grounding doesnt allow them to act in a manner that is anything but saintly.
"oh hey jim, thanks for picking up my letters man. it really saved me some time."
"it was the least i could do"
bullshit. you know damn well that there is far less you could do. 'absolutely nothing at all' being the big, easy answer here. you coulda simply not picked the letters up. you coulda just not paid any attention when the problem was first mentioned and later pleaded ignorance. shit, you coulda not picked them up even after learning about the dilemma. all these being less than what you claim you are able to do.
but nooo. that aint good enough for you, is it? ol' goody two shoes saint jim has to swoop in to the rescue, to bask in the ensuing praise and glory.
ugh, you make me sick, jim.
"money makes the world go round"
no, the suns gravitational pull makes the world go round, you mouth-breathing moron. i suppose youre gonna try and tell me 'kitten sneezes make rainbows' next, eh?
listen, the fundamental interactions of nature are not free range for you to make crap metaphors. stick to your cliche hallmark poetry and leave science the fuck alone. you dont hear NASA going 'recent unusual activity on one of saturns moons has caused MASSIVE SAVINGS AT THE YEARS BIGGEST SALE!', so please, leave causation to the experts.
"everything happens for a reason"
people always think theyre on some deep karmic shit when they say this. yeah, you must be on the next level if you can quote marilyn monroe just like that. when really, this saying is just the easiest self assurance for insecure people to comfort themselves with. nothing makes you feel better than realising that the major mess that you call your life is, in fact, not your fault at all.
attention all those that subscribe to this belief: stop blaming outside factors for your crappy existence and take some fucking responsibility for your own shit. jesus.
if everything happens for a reason, why are babies born with birth defects, huh? how does an innocent soul deserve to enter this world stained with sin that is not of their own doing?
you try telling an old woman born crippled that she had it coming. go on. try saying "everything happens for a reason" to a dude that just tried to commit suicide by burning himself alive, but was 'saved' by paramedics, put on life support and now has to live in perpetual agony because he is incapable of ending it himself and modern society deems euthanasia 'unethical'. try telling that shit to a woman thats just been repeatedly beaten, gang raped and tortured by a team of sadistic sociopaths that did it all for a laugh. i fucking dare you. if you believe that nonsense proverb, then you cant complain when i burn the flesh off your face with sodium hydroxide, 'cause that shit was "destiny".
truth is, everything does not happen for a reason. heapsa things happen for no reason at all. or better yet, they happen for really stupid reasons that make no sense at all, no matter how far you step back to appreciate the bigger picture. so just accept it and grow the fuck up.
despite what inspirational quotes say, life is not short. life is fuckin long. the average lifespan today is around 75 years. yup, 75 freakin years. do you know what can happen in 75 years? shrubs can grow into trees, glaciers can dwindle down to ice cubes and governments can process your paper work. the last time i checked, none of that shit could happen without at least a few years falling off the calendar.
try asking someone thats been wrongfully imprisoned for life if "life is short". he'll most likely stab you with a prison shank made from a sharpened toothbrush for asking such a stupid question, before using one of your thigh bones to tattoo another line on his forearm representing the last miserable year that he's spent in this hell hole.
know what is short? walking to work instead of driving. waiting in toilet lines at music festivals. how long it takes you to check your emails on a dial up connection. if life is so fuckin short, appreciate that shit. 'cause youll be conscious of it for every bleeding second it takes.
"...its the least i could do"
this is what people say after theyve been thanked for seemingly going out of their way to help someone, as if to imply that their moral grounding doesnt allow them to act in a manner that is anything but saintly.
"oh hey jim, thanks for picking up my letters man. it really saved me some time."
"it was the least i could do"
bullshit. you know damn well that there is far less you could do. 'absolutely nothing at all' being the big, easy answer here. you coulda simply not picked the letters up. you coulda just not paid any attention when the problem was first mentioned and later pleaded ignorance. shit, you coulda not picked them up even after learning about the dilemma. all these being less than what you claim you are able to do.
but nooo. that aint good enough for you, is it? ol' goody two shoes saint jim has to swoop in to the rescue, to bask in the ensuing praise and glory.
ugh, you make me sick, jim.
"money makes the world go round"
no, the suns gravitational pull makes the world go round, you mouth-breathing moron. i suppose youre gonna try and tell me 'kitten sneezes make rainbows' next, eh?
listen, the fundamental interactions of nature are not free range for you to make crap metaphors. stick to your cliche hallmark poetry and leave science the fuck alone. you dont hear NASA going 'recent unusual activity on one of saturns moons has caused MASSIVE SAVINGS AT THE YEARS BIGGEST SALE!', so please, leave causation to the experts.
"everything happens for a reason"
people always think theyre on some deep karmic shit when they say this. yeah, you must be on the next level if you can quote marilyn monroe just like that. when really, this saying is just the easiest self assurance for insecure people to comfort themselves with. nothing makes you feel better than realising that the major mess that you call your life is, in fact, not your fault at all.
attention all those that subscribe to this belief: stop blaming outside factors for your crappy existence and take some fucking responsibility for your own shit. jesus.
if everything happens for a reason, why are babies born with birth defects, huh? how does an innocent soul deserve to enter this world stained with sin that is not of their own doing?
you try telling an old woman born crippled that she had it coming. go on. try saying "everything happens for a reason" to a dude that just tried to commit suicide by burning himself alive, but was 'saved' by paramedics, put on life support and now has to live in perpetual agony because he is incapable of ending it himself and modern society deems euthanasia 'unethical'. try telling that shit to a woman thats just been repeatedly beaten, gang raped and tortured by a team of sadistic sociopaths that did it all for a laugh. i fucking dare you. if you believe that nonsense proverb, then you cant complain when i burn the flesh off your face with sodium hydroxide, 'cause that shit was "destiny".
truth is, everything does not happen for a reason. heapsa things happen for no reason at all. or better yet, they happen for really stupid reasons that make no sense at all, no matter how far you step back to appreciate the bigger picture. so just accept it and grow the fuck up.
Friday, April 16, 2010
4 people that deserve a kick in the balls (part I)
lets face it: most people are fuckwits. between the annoying bastards that talk during movies, lighter thieves, melodramatic motormouths, emo kids and good old fashioned racists, the grey area of 'genuinely good people' seems to be in rapid decline. nice guys finish last, so now everybody wants to be an asshole.
yet some of these same assholes take it upon themselves to up the ante of being a muppet, and ive managed to compile a small sample right here, all without being enraged enough to hulk out and break the internet.
this time.
#1
kid rock
besides being enough of a douchebag to make pamela anderson actually go back to tommy lee, kid rock is the only 'rocker' in recent memory able to hold the dubious claim of completely butchering two classic songs simultaneously. thats right, he somehow managed to do worse than karaoke for the deaf, 'cause at least they only wreck one at a time.
both "sweet home alabama" and "werewolves of london" were doin just fine before kid rock mashed them together, stripped them both of their original charm, filled them in with a kind of fred durst showmanship, then paraded a few girls and guns around for the music video. its like he cut and pasted davincis 'mona lisa' and jackson pollocks 'number 1' together, sprayed a che guevarra stencil over the top, and put his 'masterpiece' on every cheap t shirt and bumper sticker that sweatshop labour could produce. then used a screwdriver to stab a puppies eyes out, just to prove he could.
anyone arrogant enough to call themselves an artist should at least have the sensibility to not go around acting like a raging donkey dick. sure, you might make a quick buck, but dont expect one good pound of beef to be your cash cow. 'cause the thing is, when your prepubescent fanbase eventually grows up and realises that youre an embarrassing excuse for an artist, theyll abandon your wack ass and the only thing left to comfort you will be a catalogue of substanceless shit.
now, thats a bitch slap of truth right there, and a kick in the nuts is the only thing real enough to cut through kid rocks arrogance to give the aforementioned bitch slap any effect. which is why he deserves a hard, steel capped one.
#2
michael laws
michael laws is basically new zealands equivalent of bill o'reilly: loud, ignorant, and completely infuriating to anybody that isnt an absolute bigot. listening to this guy speak is like repeatedly smacking yourself in the head with a baseball bat. except that a baseball bat probably doesnt make you hate brown people.
i guess its not really surprising when you consider the fact that hes a right wing politician turned talkback radio host. thats pretty much the formula for the michael jordan of shit talking. hes like a reverse pinocchio - his nose will only grow if he speaks a word of truth or sense.
some of laws' greatest hits include; replying to the letters of maori school children with racist rhetoric, calling the tongan king a "brown slug", and eating the faces of newborn babies. (probably). the fact that he hasnt already been met with a swift knee to the family jewels defies popular belief and, with the sheer amount of people that i have presume to have tried, seemingly even the laws of physics itself. its about time someone introduced laws to my old friend 'pain' through the most unceremonial of surprise parties. a kick to the nuts probably wouldnt help shut him up, but goddamnit, it'd be satisfying.
#3
brian tamaki
i generally try not to judge or attack the religious beliefs of others, but seriously, destiny church can suck my cock. 'cause if god made man in his own image, the greasy haired scumbag pictured above is proof that god is a sadistic con man.
brian tamaki is the prick responsible for ATMs in churches. yeah, hes actually put money machines in places of worship. now im not exactly mr current affairs when it comes to christianity, so correct me if im wrong, but isnt the church meant to be the house of god or some shit? when the fuck did it become a shopping mall? i never realised holy water was only available at the food court. next youll be telling me that they sell altar boy costumes at the sex shop.
last time i checked, the price of salvation was accepting the lord jesus christ as your one true saviour. which costs absolutely nothing (according to rough estimates, anyway). only reason youd need an ATM in a church is to see how much money youve saved from not funding the good bishops latest holiday cruise, which youd know anyway from the extra 20% of your weekly wages still in your savings account. meaning that the whole idea is pretty much a just bold faced scam from a greedy religious hypocrite.
jesus may still love you brian, but i think youre a cunt.
yet some of these same assholes take it upon themselves to up the ante of being a muppet, and ive managed to compile a small sample right here, all without being enraged enough to hulk out and break the internet.
this time.
#1
kid rock
besides being enough of a douchebag to make pamela anderson actually go back to tommy lee, kid rock is the only 'rocker' in recent memory able to hold the dubious claim of completely butchering two classic songs simultaneously. thats right, he somehow managed to do worse than karaoke for the deaf, 'cause at least they only wreck one at a time.
both "sweet home alabama" and "werewolves of london" were doin just fine before kid rock mashed them together, stripped them both of their original charm, filled them in with a kind of fred durst showmanship, then paraded a few girls and guns around for the music video. its like he cut and pasted davincis 'mona lisa' and jackson pollocks 'number 1' together, sprayed a che guevarra stencil over the top, and put his 'masterpiece' on every cheap t shirt and bumper sticker that sweatshop labour could produce. then used a screwdriver to stab a puppies eyes out, just to prove he could.
anyone arrogant enough to call themselves an artist should at least have the sensibility to not go around acting like a raging donkey dick. sure, you might make a quick buck, but dont expect one good pound of beef to be your cash cow. 'cause the thing is, when your prepubescent fanbase eventually grows up and realises that youre an embarrassing excuse for an artist, theyll abandon your wack ass and the only thing left to comfort you will be a catalogue of substanceless shit.
now, thats a bitch slap of truth right there, and a kick in the nuts is the only thing real enough to cut through kid rocks arrogance to give the aforementioned bitch slap any effect. which is why he deserves a hard, steel capped one.
#2
michael laws
michael laws is basically new zealands equivalent of bill o'reilly: loud, ignorant, and completely infuriating to anybody that isnt an absolute bigot. listening to this guy speak is like repeatedly smacking yourself in the head with a baseball bat. except that a baseball bat probably doesnt make you hate brown people.
i guess its not really surprising when you consider the fact that hes a right wing politician turned talkback radio host. thats pretty much the formula for the michael jordan of shit talking. hes like a reverse pinocchio - his nose will only grow if he speaks a word of truth or sense.
some of laws' greatest hits include; replying to the letters of maori school children with racist rhetoric, calling the tongan king a "brown slug", and eating the faces of newborn babies. (probably). the fact that he hasnt already been met with a swift knee to the family jewels defies popular belief and, with the sheer amount of people that i have presume to have tried, seemingly even the laws of physics itself. its about time someone introduced laws to my old friend 'pain' through the most unceremonial of surprise parties. a kick to the nuts probably wouldnt help shut him up, but goddamnit, it'd be satisfying.
#3
brian tamaki
i generally try not to judge or attack the religious beliefs of others, but seriously, destiny church can suck my cock. 'cause if god made man in his own image, the greasy haired scumbag pictured above is proof that god is a sadistic con man.
brian tamaki is the prick responsible for ATMs in churches. yeah, hes actually put money machines in places of worship. now im not exactly mr current affairs when it comes to christianity, so correct me if im wrong, but isnt the church meant to be the house of god or some shit? when the fuck did it become a shopping mall? i never realised holy water was only available at the food court. next youll be telling me that they sell altar boy costumes at the sex shop.
last time i checked, the price of salvation was accepting the lord jesus christ as your one true saviour. which costs absolutely nothing (according to rough estimates, anyway). only reason youd need an ATM in a church is to see how much money youve saved from not funding the good bishops latest holiday cruise, which youd know anyway from the extra 20% of your weekly wages still in your savings account. meaning that the whole idea is pretty much a just bold faced scam from a greedy religious hypocrite.
jesus may still love you brian, but i think youre a cunt.
4 people that deserve a kick in the balls (part II)
#4
lil wayne
somehow, a rapper that looks like a vandalised gollywog doll and sounds like fran drescher on methadone managed to fool the kids into thinking hes the hottest to do it right now. that means that hes either a nasal toned pied piper, or a kind of musical child predator. which, i guess, is essentially the same thing.
either way, a swift kick square in the nads is just what the doctor ordered. and with a bit of luck, the resulting damage would render his voice too high for the human ear to hear, leaving only dogs to put up with his shit. who i presume would quickly maul him to death for having such an undeserved sense of self accomplishment anyway, so problem solved.
bonus:
paris hilton
wait, now i know what youre thinking, "oh c'mon, balls in the mouth dont count" (oh snap!), but i mean, have you heard this bitch talk? when not putting on her 'cute' persona for interviews and publicity, her voice is in a pitch that can only be described as 'testicular'. if her voice is anything to go by, shes packin a couple of bowling balls in a potato sack. so with the existence of her hairy plums established, the reasons for them needing to be kicked in seem to present themselves.
for starters, being a talentless whore thats famous for no justifiable reason whatsoever is reason enough to cunt-punt any slapper that even looks like her. its like being a total slut is the only thing shes good for. but if youve seen her sextape, youll know shes not even good for that. "one night in paris" is the "batman and robin" of porno - a piece of demon crap that only got any attention because of the celebrity starring in it. and when you suck at sucking, thats beyond a double negitive. thats epic fail. bitch.
lil wayne
somehow, a rapper that looks like a vandalised gollywog doll and sounds like fran drescher on methadone managed to fool the kids into thinking hes the hottest to do it right now. that means that hes either a nasal toned pied piper, or a kind of musical child predator. which, i guess, is essentially the same thing.
either way, a swift kick square in the nads is just what the doctor ordered. and with a bit of luck, the resulting damage would render his voice too high for the human ear to hear, leaving only dogs to put up with his shit. who i presume would quickly maul him to death for having such an undeserved sense of self accomplishment anyway, so problem solved.
bonus:
paris hilton
wait, now i know what youre thinking, "oh c'mon, balls in the mouth dont count" (oh snap!), but i mean, have you heard this bitch talk? when not putting on her 'cute' persona for interviews and publicity, her voice is in a pitch that can only be described as 'testicular'. if her voice is anything to go by, shes packin a couple of bowling balls in a potato sack. so with the existence of her hairy plums established, the reasons for them needing to be kicked in seem to present themselves.
for starters, being a talentless whore thats famous for no justifiable reason whatsoever is reason enough to cunt-punt any slapper that even looks like her. its like being a total slut is the only thing shes good for. but if youve seen her sextape, youll know shes not even good for that. "one night in paris" is the "batman and robin" of porno - a piece of demon crap that only got any attention because of the celebrity starring in it. and when you suck at sucking, thats beyond a double negitive. thats epic fail. bitch.
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