unicyclist is a synonym for douchebag

at uni every now and then a big crew of unicyclists show up during the day to have a jam. fair enough. but theyre such fucking dicks about it.

i was watching them today for about 15 minutes before i had to leave out of pure disgust. the audacity of these dudes is mind boggling - theyre the ones prancing about on a circus form of transportation during lunch hour on a university campus, and for some outlandishly fucked reason think THEY have the right to the footpaths. i even saw a couple of them evil eye a chick up for 'being in their way' when one of them nearly bumped into her after a botched trick. unbelievable.

furthermore, they think theyre hot shit because of it, too. theyre somehow under the impression that unicycling is the next 'big' extreme sport, and that everyone else is nowhere near cool enough to understand. all got their knee and shin pads on, wearing tshirts of their favourite unicycle brands and shit. they roll around in a big crew like the mickey fucking mouse club in a 'hey, look at us, we're the da bomb!' kinda way. (yeah, i'd imagine they actually still say shit like 'da bomb' too). i expect this from teenagers, but still pulling this shit after your 21st is straight up pathetic.

uh, i dont know if youve noticed this buddy ...but thats a fuckin unicycle. not a harley davidson. stop strutting your stuff like you deserve our lips on your ass, you wannabe peacock motherfuckers. youre not the cool kids, youre a bunch of fucking clowns. literally.

how many chicks has the average uncyclist ever got just 'cause hes a unicyclist? i know how many: fuck all. the average janitors probably got more game solely from being a janitor than a unicyclist has ever got. period. the only time a single wheel is ever cool is when its a chain steering wheel attached muscle-car-on-steroids so bad ass people cross the road just to avoid it. you unicyclist fags are just shit on wheels, as far as i can see.

get a real hobby, fucktards.

stuff to do before death

-rip a tshirt off like hulk hogan
-make a movie
-land a cabolleral flip
-run up a 'down' escalator
-join MENSA
-see some stand up comedy
-get on TV
-kiss a chicks hand when i meet her for the first time
-fart in an elevator
-hit a ping pong ball with enough spin that it bounces back over the net
-record a few rap tracks
-do a yardy
-get a standing ovation
-process a film
-pull a rabbit out of a hat
-streak across something
-eat chicken with eggs (mother and baby meal)
-write and draw a comic book
-smoke a joint outside parliament
-join the mile high club
-go to japan
-try my hand at acting
-do a mean hitch-hiking mission
-make a successful attempt at avoiding police capture
-jump from moving vehicle
-get a puppy and name him 'optimus prime'
-start/join another band
-joint/head
-get something i wrote published
-learn another language
-amsterdam. nuff said.
-parkour a straight line about 500 metres long
-watch fight club 28 times
-dress up as hendrix and enter the national air guitar comp
-skitch a car
-skitch a random car
-three way ...phonecall (ya dirty bastards)
-print some t shirts
-teach a class
-hang porn on my bed room walls
-fear and loathing in las vegas
-get married in vegas
-get divorced in vegas
-grind a handrail
-perform something on stage in front of a large audience again
-learn a martial art of some kind
-get more ink done
-camp overnight for tickets
-bomb a whole wall
-do a decent throwie
-teach monkeys to play poker
-start a s l o w clap
-throwie on a 10
-draw another decent self-portrait

tell me if you can help me with any of them, or if youve got anything you think i should add to the list.

consumerism sucks

if you look in the fields of a farm thats been owned by the same family for about the last 70 years or so, chances are, youll see their first 1946 ford pickup truck just sitting there. pretty rusty, miles away from getting a warrant and most likely home to a racoon or two.

but still pretty good.

when the industrial world realised that they were selling products that consumers would only need to buy one of, they got smarter. and a lot more sinister. they started selling products that were actually designed to become faulty over time, forcing consumers to purchase more products. a stab in the back of all the loyal customers in the name of money.

schick sells disposable razors. doctors will sell you medicine, but not the cure. mobile phones seem to conveniently be updating right after you buy the lastest $7 billion dollar sattelite equipped magic nokia.

wu tang said it best with Cash Rules Everything Around Me, this greed is everywhere. what a sad world we live in, governed only by our selfish instincts in the pursuit of a very hollow, material happiness.

i hate how people of our modern society have to try to find meaning in their lives through commercial culture. we're all fucking drones shackled to the timetable of capitolism with our wristwatches, bending over backwards in the hopes of accumlulating financial wealth. wealth that means nothing anyway. we live a meaningless lifestyle in a hollow world, and the beast just looks to be getting stronger.

i think this resentment of consumerism has fuelled many a mans angst. american beauty is a direct criticism of living in a "perfect" world, and tyler durdens monologue half way through fight club succintly summarises the sentiments of many:

"I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

bring on project mayhem, i say.