more common sayings that are retarded

a while back, i listed a few common sayings that are retarded. and as it turns out, that was only the tip of the iceberg...


"it is what it is"well, no shit, sherlock.
this saying adds absolutely fuck-all to a conversation. i dont know if it even counts as a saying, because it doesnt actually say anything. it says nothing. its like telling everyone what the time is when nobody asked for it. thanks for nothing, captain obivous. itll be your turn to talk again when someone asks what colour the sky is. until then, go put your powers of observation to rest and shut the fuck up.


"a million people cant be wrong"
ha, want a bet?
i bet you could find a HUNDRED million people that believe humans only use 10% of our brains. which is actually wrong.
'cause the thing is, people are actually much dumber than they give themselves credit for. if you ask 100 people how intelligent they are, over 60 of them will say 'average' or 'above average'. this is not fucking possible - 60% of people cannot be average.
so if a dude says "a million people cant be wrong!", just laugh, 'cause they can, and hes obviously one of them.


"anything is possible"
oh reeeally? thats a fact, is it? well, if anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
what, got no answer? yeah, thought as much. so how does it feel to have your mind raped?


"laughter is the best medicine"

no it fuckin isnt. medicine is the best medicine. thats why they call it medicine. otherwise we wouldnt even have anything called medicine. sick people would just be prescribed a few hundred milligrams of giggles, and sent on their way.
if laughter is the best medicine, bust out some of your best one-liners for an epileptic and see how far that gets you. just remember that its probably not good news if theyre on the ground in fits.


"you just need to believe in yourself"the only time you should need to believe in yourself is if youre a god ...thats an atheist. because otherwise, youd probably stop existing.
but, seeing as youre not an atheist god, "believing in yourself" isnt gonna achieve shit. except give you an undeserved sense of self importance. i mean, kelly osbourne presumably believed in herself at some point, and look what happened there.


"youll understand when youre older"

when i was a kid, i always said i never wanted kids myself. to which any adult within earshot would say something to the effect of "youll understand when youre older".
and now that im older? fuck that shit - i still dont want kids. why the hell would i want kids? theyre all just really stupid little people who steal your life, like an evil breed of soul snatching leprechauns or something. the only kids i want in my life are the ones that make my sneakers in sweatshops, at least theyre putting themselves to use. all these other free-loading little bastards are just loudly crying everywhere and covering your fridge with their shitty "artwork".
"youll understand when youre older" is such a crock of shit. the only thing ive come to understand since growing older is something i suspected when i was a kid anyway - that most of the adults i knew were fuckin idiots. no wonder they wanted kids, they just wanted other people around that were on their level.

putting two and two together

so i was watching the 6pm news the other night, just about to eat my dinner, and right before i took the first bite of my chicken, an ad for starving children comes on TV. all sad and hungry and malnourished and, frankly, off-putting. those cunning bastards play those ads at that exact time to make us feel guilty about having nice food in front of us. and it fuckin works.

i thought to myself 'well... that sucks', but before i could even begin to feel sorry for those poor children, an ad for the new double from KFC comes on. two slices of cheese and bacon sandwiched between two tasty fresh 100% breast fillets.

ah, heres an idea - instead of selling your fried heart-attack-sandwich to us fat westerners, just give them to people who actually need them, quit both of your advertising campaigns and let me watch the goddamn sports highlights in peace.


i already know the world is filled with all sorts of horrors and injustices, just like how i already know about the existence of menstrual cycles, pedofiles and animal testing. but i dont need to be shown any of it when im tryna eat my hard earned dinner. have some class, you cheapshot cocksuckers.

and while im on the topic of fast food making us fat - the real problem in our society seems to be a culture of excess consumption. not only is the "obesity epidemic" visible at every turn of head, but now wasting energy and resources is a serious issue too. you cant watch TV for five minutes without seeing some douchebag celebrity preach about global warming and carbon footprints (when half of those same cunts catch a private jet to do an eco-charity concert).

so heres my solution: turn off all the escalators in the entire world. itll save a shit load of electricity, and all the fat fucks in shopping malls will have to walk up a flight of stairs to get to the food court. energy consumption will fall, blood cholesterol will fall, and a few tubby kids will probably fall down the stairs too. everybody wins.

the world is not gonna end in 2012, you idiots

with all the fucked up natural diasters and shit the planet has been pulling lately, people are scared. shit-scared. so scared they say the world is gonna end. next year. and theres nothing we can do about it. its according to the ancient mayans. 2012. thats when its all gonna end. thats when the whole show is over. think about it - the US suffered a major loss on 09/11/01, the japanese suffered a major loss on 03/10/11. add those dates together and you get 12/21/12. the date of the apocalypse. armageddon. judgement day. the end.

the only thing wrong with this is that its complete bullshit.

firstly, im gonna point out the obvious - you cant add dates together. thats just fuckin retarded. adding random numbers together doesnt mean shit. you can add all the digits in your phone number together but that wont give you your phone bill. same deal here. the only significant figure here is the amount of time you wasted adding the numbers. which, if above zero, is already way too high.

second, the ancient mayans never actually said the world was gonna end. in reality, they made a circle calendar that runs out after about 5000 years, and they started it ...about 5000 years ago. which means its due pretty soon. and when it finally runs out in 2012, the next cycle begins, and thats it. seriously. theres no doomsday prophecy or anything like that. its basically just the biggest mayan new years party ever.

and those crazy bastids knew how to rock

others say nostradamus also predicted the world to end in 2012. which could be true. but then again, he predicted the world to end in 1998 and 2000 as well. which make them seem less like 'prophecies' and more like 'wild stabs in the dark'. because, y'know, if you make enough guesses at anything, eventually youll be right. even a broken clock is right two times a day. (unless the clock is stopped at 4:20. then its right all day. but thats a different story.)

and finally, my personal favourite prediction of the apocalypse, the book of revelations. christian doomsayers the world over have claimed that the apocalyptic scenes from the final book of the bible will come to fruition in 2012. despite the fact that modern scholars say that the book of revelations was actually written about the fall of the roman empire. which, according to my watch, already happened a thousand years ago. thats not a doomsday prediction, thats millenium old political commentary.

so what is causing all these natural disasters? common sense says that either A) this is what the earth just naturally does, B) this is what global warming does, or C) a combination of both. personally, im inclined to go with the latter, but ill accept any of the three as correct answers. numerology, ancient mayans, nostradamus, and the book of revelations will not only get you an incorrect answer, but will actually result in marks being taken off you. yeah, you read that right - marks taken off you. thats just how we roll in the Nappyface school of hard knocks.

class of 2011 dux

but due to a little thing in psychology called confirmation bias -where people will continue to believe something even after its been proven wrong- i know there are people out there who will still believe the world is gonna end in 2012. so i intend to cash in on it: i will bet anyone $100 that the world will not end in 2012. im not even joking. if you got the balls to put your money where your mouth is, be my guest.

(now i know what youre thinking - if the world does end next year, we'll all be dead and i wont have to pay shit. but even if that is the case, youll only be betting cash youll never need anyway. so why not?)

if youre up to it, leave a comment here, on the facebook page, my twitter feed or even by email. or, if you know me IRL, txt me, call me or even hit me wit a good old fashioned handshake in meatspace.

ill accept $100 AUS in cash on january 1st, 2013, but i might also accept a bank deposit under special circumstances.

otherwise, if you still think the world will end but dont wanna take my bet; shut the fuck up.

this facebook thing is getting ridiculous

people these days take the internet way too fucking seriously. i mean, shit, this is the goddamn internet, not your personal memoirs. lighten the fuck up. i remember once upon a time when the web was strictly the realm of anonymous freaks and geeks - nobody gave a flying fuck what you said. probably not even you. outrageous comments were made left, right and centre, and anybody that took that shit seriously was baited into merciless mockery and ridicule (see trolling and flame wars). in the goold old days, the internet was basically just one giant 4chan.

which, trust me, was a good thing.

but now, ohhh no, you gotta be careful what you say, lest the cyber cops hunt you down for crimes against taste. oooh, better watch yourself. i hear the fun police are armed with humour tasers that leave you incapable of laughter ever again. now that everybody uses their real names on facebook, you can be held accountable for everything you say online! decent society will no longer stand for the shennanigans it put up with in the past! all citizens must fear the wrath of being communally frowned upon by the greater population!
that is, unless you never gave a fuck what they thought anyway.

you cant go lower than absolute rock bottom.

case in point - every time a major tragedy (such as a natural disaster) occurs, thousands of people take to their status updates to "support" those affected. now dont get me wrong here - using the internet as a cheap and effective form of communication in times of crisis is awesome, should be encouraged and done with increasing frequency. but simply posting a status update in itself should never be considered legitimate 'support'. if you really wanna help, go volunteer, or at absolute least, make a donation. dont just sit at your computer desk typing out a vaguely sentimental sentence on your facebook account and consider yourself part of the help. donating a tiny bit of your FREE web space doesnt help anyone, anywhere, anytime, with anything. except maybe helping mark zuckerberg fill a giant pool with money.

know whos never been seen in the same room together before? mark zuckerberg and scrooge mcduck. just sayin.

posting a 'thoughtful' message is just saying a prayer without any balls. both amount to exactly fuck all in real life, but at least a prayer has the conviction of its sayer behind it. whats the best possible outcome from a status update? a nobel peace prize?

not gonna happen.

so when i leave a comment that is less than sympathetic to your little 'cause', dont tell me that my comment is "inappropriate". the only thing inappropriate here is your undeserved 'holier-than-thou' sense of self worth. youre the same complacent, apathetic scum as the rest of us, so go out and actually do something or shut the fuck up. jesus h christ.

5 reasons why i am better than you

you know how sometimes you have to explain something obvious even though its, well, obvious...? because thats exactly what this is. its me taking time out of my hectic schedule of kicking ass to school the unthinking masses on a self evident truth. heres a newsflash for you - yes, you, reading this right now - you are not as good as me. so dont ever think otherwise.

in fact, ive compiled five (out of the possible million) reasons as to why i am of greater value than you. not in any specific sense, per se, but just generally speaking. the following is a list of why you should consider yourself lucky to co-exist with someone so prodigously righteous.

#1 - my taste in everything is heaps cooler.

ok, when i say "my taste in everything is heaps cooler", i dont mean 'everything that matters' - because falling back on relativity is a cop out. no, when i say "everything", i mean every bloody thing - art, design, music, film, tv, literature, fashion, cuisine, alcohol, architecture, industrial design, slang, technology, consumer products, services, women, humour, hobbies, activities, interests. whatever. you name it - if you can have preferences - you can bet your outdated opinions that i have a more refined palette than you.

you know your favourite band/artist, right? yeah, well, i prefer their ealier work. the stuff youve probably never heard before. back from when they were in their raw experimental phase, long before they sold out and became a household name(s). now theyre like a piss poor parody of their former self/selves. so even the cool stuff you like is eclipsed by similar, but cooler, stuff that i like.

thats just the way the cookie crumbles, yo. i dont mean to be so damn super hip to the latest developments in society, it just comes with the territory of being awesome. i would say "you understand", but who am i kidding? you dont. "you marvel" would be a more accurate statement.

#2 - i dont care what you think.

this is the flipside of the coin from my first point - im crazy dope, therefore, everybody else is mega wack, even if just by comparison. and thus, i do not care what you think. words cannot express the magnitude of disregard i have for your opinion, because "infinity" is too small a concept to denote the amount of fucks i do not give.

now i know some of you are thinking "thats not even a real argument"at this point, but you know what? i dont care what you think. duhhh. thats the whole point, noobs. or at least it would be if i actually cared what you thought.

#3 - my dad can beat up your dad.

my dad can beat up your dad any day of the week, and twice on a sunday. my dad can beat your dads whole rugby team in arm wrestle. at once. my dad fights like bruce lee and dances like micheal jackson. except that hes way tougher than bruce lee ever was, and he doesnt dance. he boogies.

one time, my dad gave a whole army a hiding because they refused to recognise him as a 'weapon of mass destruction'. they tried to kill him, but when they pulled the triggers on their guns, their bullets were too afraid to leave the barrell. so after he lined all the soldiers up in a row and knocked all their heads off with a single roundhouse kick, he jumped up, threw a fist into the air and accidentally punched a hole in ozone layer. thats the real story right there, all that noise about "CFCs depleting the ozone" is straight bullshit.

#4 - i do awesome shit all the time.

oh, you dont believe me? lets take a quick stroll through my personal photo album.

this is me and jessica alba courtside, watching micheal jordan and the toon squad play the mean team, which you probably remember from the 1996 documentary 'space jam'. after the game, micheal jordan asked for my autograph, then me and bill murray did tequila shots and drunk some whiskey he got in japan. i think it was called 'suntory times', or something.

this photo was taken last year off the north queensland coast, when i was searching the reef for sunken treasure. a great white tried to take a bite outta me while i was down there, and after a bit of wrestling around underwater, we shot to the surface where i emergred obviously triumphant. the shark died immediately after this photo, presumably from right-jab related injuries.

this is from back in my pro boxing days. this was my comeback championship fight, after id already won the title in every weight division and subsequently given them up, to give the other boxers a chance. i decided to make a comeback and only ever fight with my eyes closed, thinking that it would make it a challenge. it didnt.

look at this photo. look at it. thats me doing a kicflip varial over an exploding volcano. most people dont even have the balls to be on the same island as an active volcano, yet i saw it as be the perfect kodak moment for my sweet skateboarding skills. the only thing greater than the force of mother nature is, evidently, my balls.

#5 - i keeps it real.

nowadays, everybody is an eat ass. everywhere you look, theres big headed egomaniacs with delusions of grandeur and an over-inflated sense of self worth. they go around thinking they know better than everyone else, arrogantly dismissing the opinions of others without trial and usually tell fanciful and exaggerated stories about their fathers. some even go so far as to actually photoshop themselves into glamorous and fantasy-like pictures, in the hopes of creating the impression that they lead a colourful and exciting lifestyle. loony shit really.

not me though. i got my feet firmly planted on the ground, and the only time my head is in the in the clouds is when i skydive. charles de montesquieu once said, "to become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them”. couldnt have said it better myself.

but then again, muhammed ali once said "it aint braggin if you can do it", so you better get used to the idea of the silver medal being the highest possible placement with me in existence. suckers.

conspiracy theorists say the darnedest things

theres nothing more irritating than a dumb ass that is convinced theyre intelligent. so if youve ever met a conspiracy theorist before, youll know first hand just how mind blowingly irritating they are.

“why?”, i hear the unaware of you ask. well, for starters, they never shut the fuck up. conspiracy theorists will constantly be all up in your grill with their theories and evidence in such a manner that, even if it were completely and undeniably true, would still be annoying as hell. its like being at a party stuck talking to the guy who only wants to talk to you about politics, when all you wanna do is get crunk and hit on as many chicks with low self esteem as possible. knowing a conspiracy theorist is like being stuck in that conversation all the fucking time. “truth seekers”, as they sometimes refer to themselves (who do they think they are? legend of zelda characters?), will preach about the evils of the corporations, the government and ‘the man’ in general until the cows come home. theyre preachier than the most vocal of vegans or eco-freaks. shit, conspiracy theorists are even worse than christians.

and thats no easy feat.

now dont get me wrong, im open to the possibility of some of these theories being true. 9/11 cover up, apollo moon landing, super mario being communist... these are all conspiracy theories with at least some reasonable evidence to back up the claim. that aint what ive got an issue with. believing these things are true isnt what makes you an idiot. actually giving a fuck about them is what makes you an idiot. because, in the grand scheme of things, it doesnt even matter whether or not its true.

stay with me for a second here – lets assume that whatever conspiracy theory you believe in is indeed true. working on that premise, i invite all conspiracy theorists to ask themselves the following questions:

1) are you actually gonna do anything about it?
and no, 'posting stuff on internet forums to open peoples eyes' does not count as doing something about it. just like how posting an intentionally cryptic status on facebook doesnt make you deep or poetic - it makes you an attention whore - posting crap on the internet doesnt effect anyone elses day with anything apart from mild annoyance. by “actually doing something”, i mean taking real world action, with some sort of goal or resolution to aim for. like changing international law and effectively abolishing sweatshop labour. or whatever. talking shit is only ‘real world action’ when over a thousand people hear your words and feel compelled to do something because of it.

pictured: not you

now im guessing that therell be a small handful who would answer "yes" to that question, but the overwhelmingly more popular response to that question would be a loud and resonant "no". so im gonna go ahead and mark this one “Nappyface – 1, conspiracy theorists – 0”.

2) are you directly benefiting from 'knowing the truth'?
and dont give me any of this "knowledge is power" crap either, because your ideas cant really be called “knowledge” when only stoners and paranoid skitzophrenics believe ‘em. that aint knowledge, thats a goddamn m night shyamalan movie. no, im talking actual, measurable benefits here. so unless youre increasing your cashflow, respect, power and/or pussy by ‘knowing’ what you know, your answer most definitely has to be "no".

(heh, but even an affirmative answer would then call your motives in question, because you dont even have to believe in something to get rich off it. ask l ron hubbard.)

which begs the question...

3) does 'knowing the truth' make you happy?
or does it just give you something to complain and preach about? because, i mean, think about it. conspiracy theorists generally range from simply being a ‘stuck on their high horse know-it-all’, to a ‘slightly delusional dude with too much time on his hands’, to a ‘full on tin-foil-hat-wearing paranoid skitzophrenic’. none of which sound too jovial at all, really. and putting so much effort into something that doesnt even make you happy sounds, in all honesty, pretty fuckin retarded.

tommy never realised why everyone called him “fuckwit”

so in conclusion, conspiracy theorists; be done with your retarded bullshit already. your ridiculous beliefs arent helping you, me, or anyone else, so get a girlfriend or a real, actual hobby to waste your time on. because douchebaggery is contagious and the last thing we need is more asshats walking around, infecting society with further wankerism. we already have guidos for that.

all that is fucked

you know whats fucked? how half of the people that go to a gig or concert nowadays spend the whole time taking photos and video of the performance, instead of actually watching it. whats the point in paying fifty bucks to see a bands live stage show when youre just gonna watch it through a two inch screen? you could just turn up your computer speakers and youtube that shit the next day. but then your best chance of a crazy after party is loading up a youporn video, finding a few spare beers in the fridge and one man karaoke, so you might as well put your damn phone down and enjoy the fucking show. shit aint rocket science.
"did you see when the singer pointed out to the crowd and MOTHERFUCKING FIREWORKS EXPLODED!?"
"oh, nah, i was busy checking the battery on my iphone... that sure sounded cool though."

you know whats fucked? how life suddenly becomes boring as batshit when you grow up. think about it. children have awesome adventure playgrounds everywhere - schools, parks, even mcdonalds has a goddamn play area for the kids. and what do we have? a gym filled with rows of treadmills and an anti-shouting policy. no wonder obesity is such a big issue - the alternative for sitting around not doing shit is lame as hell. they should at least put gyms next to fast food joints or strip clubs (or both - hooters), maybe then we'll actually go.
know where else kids out-do us on the awesomeness scale? TV. kids have fun and entertaining TV shows that teach them heapsa cool stuff all the time, and what the hell do we have? motherfuckin jersey shore. a bunch of rich, tanned up douchebags and plastic sluts complaining about how hard they have it. not only does reality TV only offer drama and a conspicuous lack of substance, but the shit it does have isnt even good. shits got no actors and no writers, so the 'relationship drama' is basically like watching an argument at bar for half an hour. every week. at the same time. reality shows are like sex with rosie o'donnell - even if it is your last option, its still better to just simply do something else. watching that shit actually decreases your IQ by 2 points per episode. but, i guess, childrens TV shows would then become interesting again. so whatever.

you know whats fucked? how bands will release an album, then six months later, release a special edition of the album with bonus tracks, a live DVD and all new kick ass album art. which totally sucks balls for everyone that already bought the album. i.e, the true fans. why the hell they reward the late-to-the-party followers that only bought the album for all the extras is beyond me. wait, is it a money thing? oh, i get it. you do a last ditch effort to pimp the album out to any last fans, and trick the suckers that have already bought it to make another puchase just for all the new crap, right? yeah, well, go fuck yourselves you greedy pieces of shit. if youre one of the few bands whose music i do still actually buy, your back catalog is now considered fair game for downloading and giving to all my friends. and i hope all that extra money you get simultaneously gets you pushed up into a higher tax bracket and robbed in a brutal mugging, you sell out cunts.

you know whats fucked? how you go into a store, and the dude behind the counter promises to "be right with you" as soon as he gets off the phone with a "customer" who was too damn lazy to get off his ass and come in in-person. ahh, look here buddy, im the cash ready one right here and youve put some lethargic asshole and his idiotic queries over me? get your priorities straight and serve me, god damn it. if i didnt wanna buy anything, i woulda stayed home and just rung the store. presumably to complain about the poor customer service.
and on the flip side, i saw a job posting outside a shop last week that said "enquire within". so i did. i went in and asked the chick behind the counter, and she said that all applications are actually done online. what the fuck is the point in having the sign? its like going to a sex shop, only to find yourself redirected to redtube. whether job advertisements or porn, i already know theyre online, so i obviously came into the store for something else - application forms dont print themselves, you dumb fucks.
you go into a store for service, and the guy is more concerned with talking to someone on the phone. you go in to enquire about a job, and the chick tells you to go to the internet. either the customer is always wrong or actual stores are becoming as pointless as a bald hedgehog, because something just aint adding up.

you know whats fucked? how DVDs always start with anti-piracy messages. because, i mean, i bought the DVD. i didnt download it. showing us that shit when we paid for it is a bit like preaching to the choir, dont ya think? and on top of that, theyre bloody stupid directives as well. i hate those fuckin patronising messages, 'cause half the time, they dont even make sense. "you wouldnt steal a car" ...well no shit, sherlock. grand theft auto aint exactly my area of interest right now - i just wanna watch a damn movie. i wouldnt usually cause grievous bodily harm to anyone either, but right now youre tempting me into breaking my rule. of course i wouldnt steal a car, but if i could download an exact copy of a car, you can bet your faulty logic that id be all over that shit. because thats exactly what piracy is - making copies of files, and not stealing any originals. these anti-piracy messages treat us like we're all fuckin idiots. it makes you wanna illegally download movies, just so you dont have to see those goddamn messages again.
"oh, but piracy is immoral. good people dont participate in piracy"
oh, thats a fact, is it? well lets just give that notion the age old morality test of asking "what would jesus do?". everybody get out your bibles. verses 1 - 15 from chapter 6 in the book of john, tell of how jesus feeds five thousand men with five small barley loaves and two small fish, presumably by multiplying them. not only did jesus make one or two copies of the originals, he made thousands, and shared them all with his homies. thats way beyond a single rip of the original, thats straight up biblical bootlegging, right there. and does it mention a union of bakers or fishermen kicking up a stink because jesus is single-handedly destroying their respective industries? no. because that would be retarded.
so there ya have it kids, in plain english - the good lord approves of the pirate bay. go fuckin nuts.

its hard to be gangsta when everybody thinks youre cute

this is a guest post from my homie p-rock
AKA macho pichu
AKA the platinum pokeball playa
spitting some hot bars about whats real, so pay attention and school yaself, dig?



its hard to be gangsta when everybody thinks youre cute
'cause these girls just wanna cuddle, but i wanna root
nobody got respect, and thats the fuckin truth
its hard to be gangsta when everybody thinks youre cute

if you saw my gears, youd know why im not in photos
'cause all the clothes my size are only made for homos
pink shirts, short shorts and gay lookin skivvies
im tryna be 2pac but i look like hello kitty
so i try sell drugs to prove that im no pussy
but peeps only gimme cash 'cause they think im sellin cookies
last time i started some shit with cops,
i threw a bottle trhough their window, and they stopped
the pigs got out they car, i was ready for chrome
but they just slapped me on the hand and said "go home!"
i told them "im a hustler, mess with me and youll be dead"
but they just went "awww" and pat me on the head
intimidations ignorable when youre adorable
just 'cause i fit in a handbag, doesnt mean that im portable
theres nothing 'precious' about getting stomped by my boots
but its hard to be gangsta when everybody thinks youre cute

the official nappyface story

k, so, if you didnt already know, my real name is "john", "johnny" or "fuckwit" (depending on who you ask), but people usually call me naps. naps, nappy, nappizzle or some stupid variation thereof. straight up, you can ask my mates. theyll both vouch for my story. its actually short for nappyface. and people always ask me "why do they call you nappyface?" and i always tell them "nah, its dumb story".
"oh, but youre a funny guy, just make it a interesting!"
"yeah, well, youre a dick and an asshole. go fuck yourself."

and there you have it, the reason they call me nappyface - 'cause i have such a fuckin potty mouth.

but seeing as my life is a movie and you all just play supporting roles in this action comedy epic, its only fitting that this 'DVD extra' of a blog post offers alternate endings. other possible reasons for nappyface being my leading alias include:

-because of my youthful appearance. like young MC, kid'n'play, shyheim the rugged child and other assorted hiphoppers of yesteryear, my name will be outdated by the time you finish reading this sentence. that alone gives me more street cred than all of 50 cents nine bullets comined. and you can also find me in da club.

-because nappy is another word for natty (natural), and i hardly ever shave. and hence nappyface. it scares off all the squares and is a good excuse to be the most sociopathic hippie since manson. now i just gotta get onto that revolution we all need.

-because, if you havent guessed by now, i talk a whole load of shit and suckas always believe it. for all you know, the name coulda simply came about from one night when i was 15, drunk off kentucky gold and a few of the boys thought it would be funny to call me a competely meaningless and non-sensical name, that just kinda stuck ever since. is that the true origin? or is nappyface just talking shit again? ha, ill never tell. fools.

closure is for cry babies and girly men, so go to a massage parlour if you want a happy ending. im the goddamn nappyface, and i offer no apologies nor any explanations. deal with it.

searching for a job sucks balls

in case you didnt know, i was made recently made redundant at my place of emplyoment. apparently, prepared foods australia some nameless company doesnt have room in the budget for the walking personification of awesome. whatever, your loss, dickwads.

in any case, this leaves me without regular steady income, meaning i have to exaggerate my credentials, job exeperience and general life achievements in the hopes of ever getting back on the train. and even though lying to people is something that i am not only fuckin bitchin at --its something i actually enjoy-- being forced to do it just takes all the fun out of it. even the easiest of cockhungry sluts can still be raped. (metaphorically speaking, that is - no homo).

so just in case you were wondering, here are the top 4 reasons why searching for a job sucks balls:

1) what youre actually good at is never what you have qualifications /experience in. as previously mentioned, im pretty ace at tellin bullshit. but without a degree in law or four years working for a PR firm under my belt, being an excellent liar just comes across as, i dunno, "untrustworthy" or something. fuck knows why.

2) you work just as hard as actually having a job, but you dont get shit for it.
theres a reason why get-rich-quick-schemes are more popular than charity work and why people dont get paid in 'love', and thats because working sucks. filling out application forms and ringing up potential workplaces is a full time job in itself, and not being paid for all the hard work you have to do feels like the world drawing on your face when youre already covered in vomit and too drunk to move. way to kick a man while hes down, capatalism.

3) the silent moment of pity you get when someone hears that youre unemployed.
fuck you. having a weekly paycheck doesnt make you better than me. if anything, not being a white collar slave gives me more freedom, not only from financial dependence but also relatively more ease to simply drop off the grid at a moments notice. so there. (PS, can i borrow $20? you know im good for it...)

4) having money followed by suddenly having no money is like drowning. in poverty.
actually, its more like breaking your hand - being able to do everyday shit just goes unnoticed, until, y'know, you cant do shit anymore. 'cause when youre used to drinking caviar champagne, snorting pure columbian coke off supermodels asses and lighting cigars with burning $100 bills... going back to cask wine, stolen ritalin and cigarettes rolled from butts just doesnt cut it anymore. welcome to perpetual disappointment.

so there you have it. a few reasons good enough for you to pay me for improving your life by merely existing.

and yes, i accept whiskey as payment.

stuff i like

recently, people have been saying stoopid shit to me like "your blog has so much anger", "why are you so angry?" and "anger is only one letter short of danger". to those people, i say this: fuck up or ill kick you in the ribs.

i also wanna say, just for the record, that im not an angry person at all. really, im not. those cocksuckers had those broken noses coming. this world of ours has stupidity at every turn of the head, and all i do is dispense the appropriate dose of justice. think of me as robin hood, but without the gay tights.

besides, theres heapsa things that make me happy. fuckin heeeeaps. if i had a cherry bomb for every little thing i liked, id have enough plastic explosives to make you evacuate the southern hemisphere.

for example, i find people hurting themselves absolutely hilarious. shit cracks me up to no end. youtube search "guy falling down stairs" if you wanna experience the glory for yourself. personally, i could watch idiots being punished by their own stupidity all freakin day, and giggle my ass off at every last clip. shit, americas funniest home videos would be hands down the greatest TV show ever if the bullshit 'cute' videos didnt win it every single time. a puppy with a phone is never funnier than a fat bitch flying off a motorbike. thats just the fuckin truth. show me a man that would pick the puppy and ill show you a sorry ass son of a bitch that resigned his testicles long ago.

laughter only permissible with vagina.

but know what does kick arse? an orangutan that spear fishes. or an elephant that paints self portaits. thats buzzy as hell. imagine aliens coming to earth and seeing that shit directly after a blooper reel. humans would be mistaken for a lower lifeform, and used for meat. or carbon. or whatever the fuck aliens want.

i appreciate many of the smaller things in life. like, say, the reassuring comfort of a watertight alibi. or the gentle smell of smoke from the local police station burning down. its these little pleasures that really make life worth living.

my point is that i dont have an anger management issue, i have a keepin it real issue. which isnt even an issue at all, its just keepin it real. ugly people dont blame the mirror for them being ugly; they partially blame a negligent god, but more importantly, they blame themselves. so stay off my case about reporting the facts from planet dumbass, or ill really get angry. and you wont like me when im angry.

this is me when the all blacks lost to france in the world cup

hypocrisy invalidates your opinion

chicks that flirt to get things they want but complain about the sexual objectification of women can suck my cock. for reals. you cant bat your eyelashes at the bus driver to get a discounted fare then have a cry about the lingerie football league. thats like an animal activist running a dog fighting ring. "animals have rights too! the right a BRUTAL DEATH MATCH!".
dont expect anyone to take anything you say seriously when you dont practice what you preach. you wouldnt trust a skinny baker, would you? so why trust the word of a feminist slapper?
as everybody knows - you cant have your cake and eat it too. and even if you could, itd probably still be better to stay away from that extra piece of cake, lady, because no man wants to talk to a porker with chocolate icing on her face. thats just gross.
if you really need something to complain about, theres plenty of real issues out there that deserve your half assed attention. millions of homeless people, sweatshop labour children and the feminist movement could all use an opinionated loudmouth like you on their side. admittedly, i, personally, will still be on the 'shut up, bitch' side of the fence, but ya never know, those that actually listen to your drivel might feel compelled enough to take action...
probably not though. i mean, who am i kidding? a whiny slut is a whiny slut in any language. even whiny sluts know that.
so pretty please, with sugar on top, cram a fuckin sock in it for once, eh? kthnx.
yours sincerely,
the hearing-able population of the world.

10 things i will accept as birthday presents

1. an ounce

2. misa campo

3. butterfly knife

4. tattoo gun

5. sky rockets

6. jaguar

7. DSLR

8. a briefcase full of cash

9. MF DOOMs mask

10. moon boots

common sayings that are retarded

"life is short"

despite what inspirational quotes say, life is not short. life is fuckin long. the average lifespan today is around 75 years. yup, 75 freakin years. do you know what can happen in 75 years? shrubs can grow into trees, glaciers can dwindle down to ice cubes and governments can process your paper work. the last time i checked, none of that shit could happen without at least a few years falling off the calendar.
try asking someone thats been wrongfully imprisoned for life if "life is short". he'll most likely stab you with a prison shank made from a sharpened toothbrush for asking such a stupid question, before using one of your thigh bones to tattoo another line on his forearm representing the last miserable year that he's spent in this hell hole.
know what is short? walking to work instead of driving. waiting in toilet lines at music festivals. how long it takes you to check your emails on a dial up connection. if life is so fuckin short, appreciate that shit. 'cause youll be conscious of it for every bleeding second it takes.

"...its the least i could do"

this is what people say after theyve been thanked for seemingly going out of their way to help someone, as if to imply that their moral grounding doesnt allow them to act in a manner that is anything but saintly.
"oh hey jim, thanks for picking up my letters man. it really saved me some time."
"it was the least i could do"
bullshit. you know damn well that there is far less you could do. 'absolutely nothing at all' being the big, easy answer here. you coulda simply not picked the letters up. you coulda just not paid any attention when the problem was first mentioned and later pleaded ignorance. shit, you coulda not picked them up even after learning about the dilemma. all these being less than what you claim you are able to do.
but nooo. that aint good enough for you, is it? ol' goody two shoes saint jim has to swoop in to the rescue, to bask in the ensuing praise and glory.
ugh, you make me sick, jim.

"money makes the world go round"

no, the suns gravitational pull makes the world go round, you mouth-breathing moron. i suppose youre gonna try and tell me 'kitten sneezes make rainbows' next, eh?
listen, the fundamental interactions of nature are not free range for you to make crap metaphors. stick to your cliche hallmark poetry and leave science the fuck alone. you dont hear NASA going 'recent unusual activity on one of saturns moons has caused MASSIVE SAVINGS AT THE YEARS BIGGEST SALE!', so please, leave causation to the experts.

"everything happens for a reason"

people always think theyre on some deep karmic shit when they say this. yeah, you must be on the next level if you can quote marilyn monroe just like that. when really, this saying is just the easiest self assurance for insecure people to comfort themselves with. nothing makes you feel better than realising that the major mess that you call your life is, in fact, not your fault at all.
attention all those that subscribe to this belief: stop blaming outside factors for your crappy existence and take some fucking responsibility for your own shit. jesus.
if everything happens for a reason, why are babies born with birth defects, huh? how does an innocent soul deserve to enter this world stained with sin that is not of their own doing?
you try telling an old woman born crippled that she had it coming. go on. try saying "everything happens for a reason" to a dude that just tried to commit suicide by burning himself alive, but was 'saved' by paramedics, put on life support and now has to live in perpetual agony because he is incapable of ending it himself and modern society deems euthanasia 'unethical'. try telling that shit to a woman thats just been repeatedly beaten, gang raped and tortured by a team of sadistic sociopaths that did it all for a laugh. i fucking dare you. if you believe that nonsense proverb, then you cant complain when i burn the flesh off your face with sodium hydroxide, 'cause that shit was "destiny".
truth is, everything does not happen for a reason. heapsa things happen for no reason at all. or better yet, they happen for really stupid reasons that make no sense at all, no matter how far you step back to appreciate the bigger picture. so just accept it and grow the fuck up.

4 people that deserve a kick in the balls (part I)

lets face it: most people are fuckwits. between the annoying bastards that talk during movies, lighter thieves, melodramatic motormouths, emo kids and good old fashioned racists, the grey area of 'genuinely good people' seems to be in rapid decline. nice guys finish last, so now everybody wants to be an asshole.

yet some of these same assholes take it upon themselves to up the ante of being a muppet, and ive managed to compile a small sample right here, all without being enraged enough to hulk out and break the internet.

this time.

#1

kid rock

besides being enough of a douchebag to make pamela anderson actually go back to tommy lee, kid rock is the only 'rocker' in recent memory able to hold the dubious claim of completely butchering two classic songs simultaneously. thats right, he somehow managed to do worse than karaoke for the deaf, 'cause at least they only wreck one at a time.

both "sweet home alabama" and "werewolves of london" were doin just fine before kid rock mashed them together, stripped them both of their original charm, filled them in with a kind of fred durst showmanship, then paraded a few girls and guns around for the music video. its like he cut and pasted davincis 'mona lisa' and jackson pollocks 'number 1' together, sprayed a che guevarra stencil over the top, and put his 'masterpiece' on every cheap t shirt and bumper sticker that sweatshop labour could produce. then used a screwdriver to stab a puppies eyes out, just to prove he could.

anyone arrogant enough to call themselves an artist should at least have the sensibility to not go around acting like a raging donkey dick. sure, you might make a quick buck, but dont expect one good pound of beef to be your cash cow. 'cause the thing is, when your prepubescent fanbase eventually grows up and realises that youre an embarrassing excuse for an artist, theyll abandon your wack ass and the only thing left to comfort you will be a catalogue of substanceless shit.

now, thats a bitch slap of truth right there, and a kick in the nuts is the only thing real enough to cut through kid rocks arrogance to give the aforementioned bitch slap any effect. which is why he deserves a hard, steel capped one.

#2

michael laws

michael laws is basically new zealands equivalent of bill o'reilly: loud, ignorant, and completely infuriating to anybody that isnt an absolute bigot. listening to this guy speak is like repeatedly smacking yourself in the head with a baseball bat. except that a baseball bat probably doesnt make you hate brown people.

i guess its not really surprising when you consider the fact that hes a right wing politician turned talkback radio host. thats pretty much the formula for the michael jordan of shit talking. hes like a reverse pinocchio - his nose will only grow if he speaks a word of truth or sense.

some of laws' greatest hits include; replying to the letters of maori school children with racist rhetoric, calling the tongan king a "brown slug", and eating the faces of newborn babies. (probably). the fact that he hasnt already been met with a swift knee to the family jewels defies popular belief and, with the sheer amount of people that i have presume to have tried, seemingly even the laws of physics itself. its about time someone introduced laws to my old friend 'pain' through the most unceremonial of surprise parties. a kick to the nuts probably wouldnt help shut him up, but goddamnit, it'd be satisfying.

#3

brian tamaki

i generally try not to judge or attack the religious beliefs of others, but seriously, destiny church can suck my cock. 'cause if god made man in his own image, the greasy haired scumbag pictured above is proof that god is a sadistic con man.

brian tamaki is the prick responsible for ATMs in churches. yeah, hes actually put money machines in places of worship. now im not exactly mr current affairs when it comes to christianity, so correct me if im wrong, but isnt the church meant to be the house of god or some shit? when the fuck did it become a shopping mall? i never realised holy water was only available at the food court. next youll be telling me that they sell altar boy costumes at the sex shop.

last time i checked, the price of salvation was accepting the lord jesus christ as your one true saviour. which costs absolutely nothing (according to rough estimates, anyway). only reason youd need an ATM in a church is to see how much money youve saved from not funding the good bishops latest holiday cruise, which youd know anyway from the extra 20% of your weekly wages still in your savings account. meaning that the whole idea is pretty much a just bold faced scam from a greedy religious hypocrite.

jesus may still love you brian, but i think youre a cunt.

4 people that deserve a kick in the balls (part II)

#4

lil wayne

somehow, a rapper that looks like a vandalised gollywog doll and sounds like fran drescher on methadone managed to fool the kids into thinking hes the hottest to do it right now. that means that hes either a nasal toned pied piper, or a kind of musical child predator. which, i guess, is essentially the same thing.

either way, a swift kick square in the nads is just what the doctor ordered. and with a bit of luck, the resulting damage would render his voice too high for the human ear to hear, leaving only dogs to put up with his shit. who i presume would quickly maul him to death for having such an undeserved sense of self accomplishment anyway, so problem solved.

bonus:

paris hilton

wait, now i know what youre thinking, "oh c'mon, balls in the mouth dont count" (oh snap!), but i mean, have you heard this bitch talk? when not putting on her 'cute' persona for interviews and publicity, her voice is in a pitch that can only be described as 'testicular'. if her voice is anything to go by, shes packin a couple of bowling balls in a potato sack. so with the existence of her hairy plums established, the reasons for them needing to be kicked in seem to present themselves.

for starters, being a talentless whore thats famous for no justifiable reason whatsoever is reason enough to cunt-punt any slapper that even looks like her. its like being a total slut is the only thing shes good for. but if youve seen her sextape, youll know shes not even good for that. "one night in paris" is the "batman and robin" of porno - a piece of demon crap that only got any attention because of the celebrity starring in it. and when you suck at sucking, thats beyond a double negitive. thats epic fail. bitch.

green is the new black (plague)

back in the good old days, when eddie murphy was funny and pamela anderson was hot, 'green' meant one of three things: money, marijuana, or tommy - the green power ranger. but ever since the advent of internet banking, purple haze, and al gore introducing the idea of 'consequences' to the greater public population, the colour green, through no fault of its own, is being pimped out to represent all sorts of random crap. random crap like the "eco-friendly" efforts of the corporate world, hippie politics, or tommy - the green power ranger.

classics never die.

this is because, over the past decade or so, its become increasingly apparent (read: bloody obvious) that the corner-cutting habits of the walking problem that is man, have left earth a little peeved. and by "a little peeved", i mean "pissed off enough to kill and injure thousands of people at once, increasingly regularly". numerous earthquakes, tsunamis and bushfires illustrating the point that this beautiful planet of ours just shouldnt have been fucked with.

so naturally, people all around the globe are loosing their freakin minds over this. everythings being given a go to resist the inevitable, from tree hugging to fart taxes. its almost like mankind has come full circle - from sacrificing animals for bloodthirsty gods, to embracing science and using it to learn about the world, to suddenly being back with a new found fear of mother natures wrath. which means humans turning on each other is pretty much next.

now this may be because i grew up watching cartoons like toxic crusader and captain planet -- so forgive me if i use the power of five element-themed magic rings to summon an environmentally concious green haired superhero version of macgyver here -- but werent we meant to be kinda keeping on eye on the whole 'earth crapping itself' situation the whole time? when exactly did it become cool to let our guard down, and just go watch monster trucks or something? because nobody told me. and i love watching monster trucks.

fuck yeah.

but instead of car crushing awesomeness, all i see is desperate attempts to save our asses from, well, our own asses. its like watching a bull try to smash-proof a china shop, but on a grand scale.

as tony veitch will certainly tell you, quick solutions dont fix long standing problems. especially if theyre applied long after they couldve even had any significant effect anyway. just like how wearing a condom when shes already pregnant wont give her an abortion, taking shorter showers aint gonna do shit when its pretty well established that the world does indeed hate us. except make us stink.

so to the people of earth, my advice is to simply think " fuck it" and carry on getting wasted every weekend. the planet is pretty much screwed beyond repair now, we might as well just kick back and enjoy the ride to oblivion. (allegedly) intelligent life will be the only real loss, and we're the ones who made this whole mess in the first place, so fair is fair. think of it as 'societal seppuku'.

"oh, but what about the polar bears?", i hear you animal lovers ask. "the ice that they live on is melting faster than ever, and they cant swim their entire lives! should we just let them die for our mistakes!?". yeah, thats a fair point, but guess what? screw polar bears. theyd cut down rainforests and pollute your planet, forcing you out of your natural habitat and effectively into extinction kill you too, given the chance. and dont, even for a second, think that they wouldnt.

pictured: heartless murderers

sure, animals are gonna die and species will become extinct. but on a grand timeline of nature, that shit happens all time. you dont hear me crying about velociraptors being extinct, so go take a long eco-unfriendly shower, you smelly know-it-all hippie.

besides, grizzly bears kick so much more ass.

my attention is a privilage

the technological revolution has afforded us with many conveniences. accelerated communication, higher quality media, and generally a wider range of accessible porn, all being prime examples of this.

but like when you first get pay tv, all this additional coverage of what the world has to offer brings on one stark realisation: people are freakin morons. frustrating, annoying morons.

the internet is serious business, and if you dont have anything awesome, funny, or awesomely funny to share with the rest of us, shut the fuck up. seriously.
your crappy day to day life really isn't that interesting. in fact, its infuriatingly mundane.

nobody cares that you're having chicken for dinner and that it promises to be "yum :)". i hope you get salmonella food poisoning, bitch. oh wow, you saw a new movie and think its really good? yeah, well, i think stabbing you in the face would be really good. and despite the apparently popular rumours circling, the fact that youre having a bad day doesnt affect me in the slightest. i am indifferent to your suffering, lame-oid, and so is everyone else who has the misfortune of seeing any of your thousand-per-day facebook status updates.

a 'cell phones and laptops being confiscated' or 'fingers being broken' policy needs to start immediately (whatevers easier, 'sall tomayto tomarto to me) on the grounds of gross misuse. because you people actually make me wanna poke my own eyeballs out with a soldering iron just so i dont bare witness to any more pure stupidity.

if you are connected to me via any network at all and post this type of verbal diarrhoea, ever, i will cut ties with you. i dont care who you are - friend, family or business. ignorance of your existence will vastly improve my life experience, and i will act accordingly. so if you suddenly find out that we're not "friends" anymore, then congraulations, youre an idiot.

lets get this straight

this one is for all you girl power feminist chicks out there who constantly ask nag the question "how come if a guy sleeps with lots of chicks, he's 'the man', but if a chick sleeps with lots of guys she's a 'slut'?"

you wanna know why? ok, ill tell you why. lemme paint you a little picture. imagine you have one key that can open many different locks, of all types. you'd generally consider that a master key, right? now compare that with a lock that can be opened by just about any key. that lock would be of little (if any) value.

ya see what im sayin here?

because, believe it or not, males don't decide when we can bump uglies or not. females do. yes, that's right - chicks dictate sex. because if WE did, post pubescent life would just be one long fuck-fest, followed by death. shit, virtually everything men do is an effort to impress the ladies. what, you thought we build houses, race cars and wrestle alligators because we like to? hells-to-the-no. sall about the pussy.

if dudes got to decide when sex occured, nothing would ever get done. NOTHING. no doctors to work on a cure for breast cancer. no movie directors to keep making those shitty romantic comedies you lot seem to be so fond of. no dog breeders pumping out puppies for you to call adorable. none of that shit. men everywhere would throw caution to the wind in pursuit of their next root and so your weekly schedule would contain seven straight days of getting boned. electricity and communications would just stop working, the stock market would crash, planes would fall out of the sky, and lots of other disaster movie cliches would happen because over half the worlds workforce would have their pants around their ankles (and rest would have their skirts pulled up and be bent over a table or chair of kind). men wouldnt give a crap about their jobs if they could just constantly stick it to the closest hot sheila. which is totally understandable, because when it comes to the dilemma of 'work a shit job for some asshole i want to kill' or 'tap that hot piece of ass over there', one option generally wins by a country mile.

so the way i see it, you bitches got two choices:
A) quit complaining about this tired bullshit and simply stop being such fuckin slappers
or
B) accept the guilt of knowing that you are solely responsible for societys collapse and the subsequent decline of humanity.

its your call.

back in my day

kids these days cant party for shit. always with the popping pills just to keep things interesting. uppers, downers, laughers, screamers...

harden the fuck up you little pansies. back in my day, all you needed was a steady supply of beers and the rage would never end. but now, as soon as your buzz shows the early signs of fading, "ooh, better top up with some chemicals so we can wave our glow sticks around like fuckin idiots to this peppy computer music".

speak of which, whats up with all this crappy techno shit? oonce - oonce - oonce - oonce. sounds like someone using a hammer to rhythmically cave-in the side of my skull.
what they need to do is take all that manufactured noise and all those pills and give them to ambulance drivers and fire fighters. if theres anybody you wanna see flying around the scene eyes popping out of theirs, its the motherfuckers that are there to save your life. who are most likely there because you drunk too much in the first place. cant win.