untitled movies rant

you know whats fucking bullshit? that the guys who made 40 year old virgin, knocked up, superbad, pineapple express -basically, the funniest fucking films to come out over the last few years- havent got a single oscar or golden nomination yet. not a single one!

katherine hiegl, the chick from knocked up and greys anatomy (and roswell too, for all you true TV geeks), didnt even get nominated for best actress in a musical or comedy at the golden globe awards. and you know won that award? muthafuckin' beyonce. yes, the same destinys-child, married-to-jayz, got-thighs-thicker-than-redwoods beyonce. sure, maybe she can shake her shit like jelly and sing a few notes here and there, but the bitch cant act her way out of a wet paper bag.

did you see austin powers goldmember? that movie was fucking terrible. it sucked more than the "paul holmes sings the classics" CD that came out a few years ago. beyonce 'acted' her way through every scene like pam grier on an ether binge whilst mike myers just proved what we've all been thinking for a while now: that he shoulda quit making comedies years ago, because shit is just getting cringe worthy now. and not in the funny ricky gervais way either. in the 'minister repeatedly saying the wrong name at a funeral' way.

and whats worse is that the movie beyonce won the award for, 'dreamgirls', also got the golden globe for best musical or comedy. are you fucking kidding me? dreamgirls won and neither knocked up nor superbad even got nominated? thats some grade-A 'i did not have sexual relations with that woman' bullshit.

if that doesnt prove the industry's blatant elitism and general disregard for you, then you might as well go and cut your hair with the lawnmower, 'cause youll never learn.

unicyclist is a synonym for douchebag

at uni every now and then a big crew of unicyclists show up during the day to have a jam. fair enough. but theyre such fucking dicks about it.

i was watching them today for about 15 minutes before i had to leave out of pure disgust. the audacity of these dudes is mind boggling - theyre the ones prancing about on a circus form of transportation during lunch hour on a university campus, and for some outlandishly fucked reason think THEY have the right to the footpaths. i even saw a couple of them evil eye a chick up for 'being in their way' when one of them nearly bumped into her after a botched trick. unbelievable.

furthermore, they think theyre hot shit because of it, too. theyre somehow under the impression that unicycling is the next 'big' extreme sport, and that everyone else is nowhere near cool enough to understand. all got their knee and shin pads on, wearing tshirts of their favourite unicycle brands and shit. they roll around in a big crew like the mickey fucking mouse club in a 'hey, look at us, we're the da bomb!' kinda way. (yeah, i'd imagine they actually still say shit like 'da bomb' too). i expect this from teenagers, but still pulling this shit after your 21st is straight up pathetic.

uh, i dont know if youve noticed this buddy ...but thats a fuckin unicycle. not a harley davidson. stop strutting your stuff like you deserve our lips on your ass, you wannabe peacock motherfuckers. youre not the cool kids, youre a bunch of fucking clowns. literally.

how many chicks has the average uncyclist ever got just 'cause hes a unicyclist? i know how many: fuck all. the average janitors probably got more game solely from being a janitor than a unicyclist has ever got. period. the only time a single wheel is ever cool is when its a chain steering wheel attached muscle-car-on-steroids so bad ass people cross the road just to avoid it. you unicyclist fags are just shit on wheels, as far as i can see.

get a real hobby, fucktards.

stuff to do before death

-rip a tshirt off like hulk hogan
-make a movie
-land a cabolleral flip
-run up a 'down' escalator
-join MENSA
-see some stand up comedy
-get on TV
-kiss a chicks hand when i meet her for the first time
-fart in an elevator
-hit a ping pong ball with enough spin that it bounces back over the net
-record a few rap tracks
-do a yardy
-get a standing ovation
-process a film
-pull a rabbit out of a hat
-streak across something
-eat chicken with eggs (mother and baby meal)
-write and draw a comic book
-smoke a joint outside parliament
-join the mile high club
-go to japan
-try my hand at acting
-do a mean hitch-hiking mission
-make a successful attempt at avoiding police capture
-jump from moving vehicle
-get a puppy and name him 'optimus prime'
-start/join another band
-joint/head
-get something i wrote published
-learn another language
-amsterdam. nuff said.
-parkour a straight line about 500 metres long
-watch fight club 28 times
-dress up as hendrix and enter the national air guitar comp
-skitch a car
-skitch a random car
-three way ...phonecall (ya dirty bastards)
-print some t shirts
-teach a class
-hang porn on my bed room walls
-fear and loathing in las vegas
-get married in vegas
-get divorced in vegas
-grind a handrail
-perform something on stage in front of a large audience again
-learn a martial art of some kind
-get more ink done
-camp overnight for tickets
-bomb a whole wall
-do a decent throwie
-teach monkeys to play poker
-start a s l o w clap
-throwie on a 10
-draw another decent self-portrait

tell me if you can help me with any of them, or if youve got anything you think i should add to the list.