Saturday, April 24, 2010

common sayings that are retarded

"life is short"

despite what inspirational quotes say, life is not short. life is fuckin long. the average lifespan today is around 75 years. yup, 75 freakin years. do you know what can happen in 75 years? shrubs can grow into trees, glaciers can dwindle down to ice cubes and governments can process your paper work. the last time i checked, none of that shit could happen without at least a few years falling off the calendar.
try asking someone thats been wrongfully imprisoned for life if "life is short". he'll most likely stab you with a prison shank made from a sharpened toothbrush for asking such a stupid question, before using one of your thigh bones to tattoo another line on his forearm representing the last miserable year that he's spent in this hell hole.
know what is short? walking to work instead of driving. waiting in toilet lines at music festivals. how long it takes you to check your emails on a dial up connection. if life is so fuckin short, appreciate that shit. 'cause youll be conscious of it for every bleeding second it takes.

"...its the least i could do"

this is what people say after theyve been thanked for seemingly going out of their way to help someone, as if to imply that their moral grounding doesnt allow them to act in a manner that is anything but saintly.
"oh hey jim, thanks for picking up my letters man. it really saved me some time."
"it was the least i could do"
bullshit. you know damn well that there is far less you could do. 'absolutely nothing at all' being the big, easy answer here. you coulda simply not picked the letters up. you coulda just not paid any attention when the problem was first mentioned and later pleaded ignorance. shit, you coulda not picked them up even after learning about the dilemma. all these being less than what you claim you are able to do.
but nooo. that aint good enough for you, is it? ol' goody two shoes saint jim has to swoop in to the rescue, to bask in the ensuing praise and glory.
ugh, you make me sick, jim.

"money makes the world go round"

no, the suns gravitational pull makes the world go round, you mouth-breathing moron. i suppose youre gonna try and tell me 'kitten sneezes make rainbows' next, eh?
listen, the fundamental interactions of nature are not free range for you to make crap metaphors. stick to your cliche hallmark poetry and leave science the fuck alone. you dont hear NASA going 'recent unusual activity on one of saturns moons has caused MASSIVE SAVINGS AT THE YEARS BIGGEST SALE!', so please, leave causation to the experts.

"everything happens for a reason"

people always think theyre on some deep karmic shit when they say this. yeah, you must be on the next level if you can quote marilyn monroe just like that. when really, this saying is just the easiest self assurance for insecure people to comfort themselves with. nothing makes you feel better than realising that the major mess that you call your life is, in fact, not your fault at all.
attention all those that subscribe to this belief: stop blaming outside factors for your crappy existence and take some fucking responsibility for your own shit. jesus.
if everything happens for a reason, why are babies born with birth defects, huh? how does an innocent soul deserve to enter this world stained with sin that is not of their own doing?
you try telling an old woman born crippled that she had it coming. go on. try saying "everything happens for a reason" to a dude that just tried to commit suicide by burning himself alive, but was 'saved' by paramedics, put on life support and now has to live in perpetual agony because he is incapable of ending it himself and modern society deems euthanasia 'unethical'. try telling that shit to a woman thats just been repeatedly beaten, gang raped and tortured by a team of sadistic sociopaths that did it all for a laugh. i fucking dare you. if you believe that nonsense proverb, then you cant complain when i burn the flesh off your face with sodium hydroxide, 'cause that shit was "destiny".
truth is, everything does not happen for a reason. heapsa things happen for no reason at all. or better yet, they happen for really stupid reasons that make no sense at all, no matter how far you step back to appreciate the bigger picture. so just accept it and grow the fuck up.

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