theres nothing more irritating than a dumb ass that is convinced theyre intelligent. so if youve ever met a conspiracy theorist before, youll know first hand just how mind blowingly irritating they are.
“why?”, i hear the unaware of you ask. well, for starters, they never shut the fuck up. conspiracy theorists will constantly be all up in your grill with their theories and evidence in such a manner that, even if it were completely and undeniably true, would still be annoying as hell. its like being at a party stuck talking to the guy who only wants to talk to you about politics, when all you wanna do is get crunk and hit on as many chicks with low self esteem as possible. knowing a conspiracy theorist is like being stuck in that conversation all the fucking time. “truth seekers”, as they sometimes refer to themselves (who do they think they are? legend of zelda characters?), will preach about the evils of the corporations, the government and ‘the man’ in general until the cows come home. theyre preachier than the most vocal of vegans or eco-freaks. shit, conspiracy theorists are even worse than christians.
and thats no easy feat.
1) are you actually gonna do anything about it?
and no, 'posting stuff on internet forums to open peoples eyes' does not count as doing something about it. just like how posting an intentionally cryptic status on facebook doesnt make you deep or poetic - it makes you an attention whore - posting crap on the internet doesnt effect anyone elses day with anything apart from mild annoyance. by “actually doing something”, i mean taking real world action, with some sort of goal or resolution to aim for. like changing international law and effectively abolishing sweatshop labour. or whatever. talking shit is only ‘real world action’ when over a thousand people hear your words and feel compelled to do something because of it.
pictured: not you
now im guessing that therell be a small handful who would answer "yes" to that question, but the overwhelmingly more popular response to that question would be a loud and resonant "no". so im gonna go ahead and mark this one “Nappyface – 1, conspiracy theorists – 0”.2) are you directly benefiting from 'knowing the truth'?
and dont give me any of this "knowledge is power" crap either, because your ideas cant really be called “knowledge” when only stoners and paranoid skitzophrenics believe ‘em. that aint knowledge, thats a goddamn m night shyamalan movie. no, im talking actual, measurable benefits here. so unless youre increasing your cashflow, respect, power and/or pussy by ‘knowing’ what you know, your answer most definitely has to be "no".
(heh, but even an affirmative answer would then call your motives in question, because you dont even have to believe in something to get rich off it. ask l ron hubbard.)which begs the question...
3) does 'knowing the truth' make you happy?
or does it just give you something to complain and preach about? because, i mean, think about it. conspiracy theorists generally range from simply being a ‘stuck on their high horse know-it-all’, to a ‘slightly delusional dude with too much time on his hands’, to a ‘full on tin-foil-hat-wearing paranoid skitzophrenic’. none of which sound too jovial at all, really. and putting so much effort into something that doesnt even make you happy sounds, in all honesty, pretty fuckin retarded.
tommy never realised why everyone called him “fuckwit”
so in conclusion, conspiracy theorists; be done with your retarded bullshit already. your ridiculous beliefs arent helping you, me, or anyone else, so get a girlfriend or a real, actual hobby to waste your time on. because douchebaggery is contagious and the last thing we need is more asshats walking around, infecting society with further wankerism. we already have guidos for that.
you know whats fucked? how half of the people that go to a gig or concert nowadays spend the whole time taking photos and video of the performance, instead of actually watching it. whats the point in paying fifty bucks to see a bands live stage show when youre just gonna watch it through a two inch screen? you could just turn up your computer speakers and youtube that shit the next day. but then your best chance of a crazy after party is loading up a youporn video, finding a few spare beers in the fridge and one man karaoke, so you might as well put your damn phone down and enjoy the fucking show. shit aint rocket science.
"did you see when the singer pointed out to the crowd and MOTHERFUCKING FIREWORKS EXPLODED!?"
"oh, nah, i was busy checking the battery on my iphone... that sure sounded cool though."
you know whats fucked? how life suddenly becomes boring as batshit when you grow up. think about it. children have awesome adventure playgrounds everywhere - schools, parks, even mcdonalds has a goddamn play area for the kids. and what do we have? a gym filled with rows of treadmills and an anti-shouting policy. no wonder obesity is such a big issue - the alternative for sitting around not doing shit is lame as hell. they should at least put gyms next to fast food joints or strip clubs (or both - hooters), maybe then we'll actually go.
know where else kids out-do us on the awesomeness scale? TV. kids have fun and entertaining TV shows that teach them heapsa cool stuff all the time, and what the hell do we have? motherfuckin jersey shore. a bunch of rich, tanned up douchebags and plastic sluts complaining about how hard they have it. not only does reality TV only offer drama and a conspicuous lack of substance, but the shit it does have isnt even good. shits got no actors and no writers, so the 'relationship drama' is basically like watching an argument at bar for half an hour. every week. at the same time. reality shows are like sex with rosie o'donnell - even if it is your last option, its still better to just simply do something else. watching that shit actually decreases your IQ by 2 points per episode. but, i guess, childrens TV shows would then become interesting again. so whatever.
you know whats fucked? how bands will release an album, then six months later, release a special edition of the album with bonus tracks, a live DVD and all new kick ass album art. which totally sucks balls for everyone that already bought the album. i.e, the true fans. why the hell they reward the late-to-the-party followers that only bought the album for all the extras is beyond me. wait, is it a money thing? oh, i get it. you do a last ditch effort to pimp the album out to any last fans, and trick the suckers that have already bought it to make another puchase just for all the new crap, right? yeah, well, go fuck yourselves you greedy pieces of shit. if youre one of the few bands whose music i do still actually buy, your back catalog is now considered fair game for downloading and giving to all my friends. and i hope all that extra money you get simultaneously gets you pushed up into a higher tax bracket and robbed in a brutal mugging, you sell out cunts.
you know whats fucked? how you go into a store, and the dude behind the counter promises to "be right with you" as soon as he gets off the phone with a "customer" who was too damn lazy to get off his ass and come in in-person. ahh, look here buddy, im the cash ready one right here and youve put some lethargic asshole and his idiotic queries over me? get your priorities straight and serve me, god damn it. if i didnt wanna buy anything, i woulda stayed home and just rung the store. presumably to complain about the poor customer service.
and on the flip side, i saw a job posting outside a shop last week that said "enquire within". so i did. i went in and asked the chick behind the counter, and she said that all applications are actually done online. what the fuck is the point in having the sign? its like going to a sex shop, only to find yourself redirected to redtube. whether job advertisements or porn, i already know theyre online, so i obviously came into the store for something else - application forms dont print themselves, you dumb fucks.
you go into a store for service, and the guy is more concerned with talking to someone on the phone. you go in to enquire about a job, and the chick tells you to go to the internet. either the customer is always wrong or actual stores are becoming as pointless as a bald hedgehog, because something just aint adding up.
you know whats fucked? how DVDs always start with anti-piracy messages. because, i mean, i bought the DVD. i didnt download it. showing us that shit when we paid for it is a bit like preaching to the choir, dont ya think? and on top of that, theyre bloody stupid directives as well. i hate those fuckin patronising messages, 'cause half the time, they dont even make sense. "you wouldnt steal a car" ...well no shit, sherlock. grand theft auto aint exactly my area of interest right now - i just wanna watch a damn movie. i wouldnt usually cause grievous bodily harm to anyone either, but right now youre tempting me into breaking my rule. of course i wouldnt steal a car, but if i could download an exact copy of a car, you can bet your faulty logic that id be all over that shit. because thats exactly what piracy is - making copies of files, and not stealing any originals. these anti-piracy messages treat us like we're all fuckin idiots. it makes you wanna illegally download movies, just so you dont have to see those goddamn messages again.
"oh, but piracy is immoral. good people dont participate in piracy"
oh, thats a fact, is it? well lets just give that notion the age old morality test of asking "what would jesus do?". everybody get out your bibles. verses 1 - 15 from chapter 6 in the book of john, tell of how jesus feeds five thousand men with five small barley loaves and two small fish, presumably by multiplying them. not only did jesus make one or two copies of the originals, he made thousands, and shared them all with his homies. thats way beyond a single rip of the original, thats straight up biblical bootlegging, right there. and does it mention a union of bakers or fishermen kicking up a stink because jesus is single-handedly destroying their respective industries? no. because that would be retarded.
so there ya have it kids, in plain english - the good lord approves of the pirate bay. go fuckin nuts.
