Wednesday, December 1, 2010

conspiracy theorists say the darnedest things

theres nothing more irritating than a dumb ass that is convinced theyre intelligent. so if youve ever met a conspiracy theorist before, youll know first hand just how mind blowingly irritating they are.

“why?”, i hear the unaware of you ask. well, for starters, they never shut the fuck up. conspiracy theorists will constantly be all up in your grill with their theories and evidence in such a manner that, even if it were completely and undeniably true, would still be annoying as hell. its like being at a party stuck talking to the guy who only wants to talk to you about politics, when all you wanna do is get crunk and hit on as many chicks with low self esteem as possible. knowing a conspiracy theorist is like being stuck in that conversation all the fucking time. “truth seekers”, as they sometimes refer to themselves (who do they think they are? legend of zelda characters?), will preach about the evils of the corporations, the government and ‘the man’ in general until the cows come home. theyre preachier than the most vocal of vegans or eco-freaks. shit, conspiracy theorists are even worse than christians.

and thats no easy feat.

now dont get me wrong, im open to the possibility of some of these theories being true. 9/11 cover up, apollo moon landing, super mario being communist... these are all conspiracy theories with at least some reasonable evidence to back up the claim. that aint what ive got an issue with. believing these things are true isnt what makes you an idiot. actually giving a fuck about them is what makes you an idiot. because, in the grand scheme of things, it doesnt even matter whether or not its true.

stay with me for a second here – lets assume that whatever conspiracy theory you believe in is indeed true. working on that premise, i invite all conspiracy theorists to ask themselves the following questions:

1) are you actually gonna do anything about it?
and no, 'posting stuff on internet forums to open peoples eyes' does not count as doing something about it. just like how posting an intentionally cryptic status on facebook doesnt make you deep or poetic - it makes you an attention whore - posting crap on the internet doesnt effect anyone elses day with anything apart from mild annoyance. by “actually doing something”, i mean taking real world action, with some sort of goal or resolution to aim for. like changing international law and effectively abolishing sweatshop labour. or whatever. talking shit is only ‘real world action’ when over a thousand people hear your words and feel compelled to do something because of it.

pictured: not you

now im guessing that therell be a small handful who would answer "yes" to that question, but the overwhelmingly more popular response to that question would be a loud and resonant "no". so im gonna go ahead and mark this one “Nappyface – 1, conspiracy theorists – 0”.

2) are you directly benefiting from 'knowing the truth'?
and dont give me any of this "knowledge is power" crap either, because your ideas cant really be called “knowledge” when only stoners and paranoid skitzophrenics believe ‘em. that aint knowledge, thats a goddamn m night shyamalan movie. no, im talking actual, measurable benefits here. so unless youre increasing your cashflow, respect, power and/or pussy by ‘knowing’ what you know, your answer most definitely has to be "no".

(heh, but even an affirmative answer would then call your motives in question, because you dont even have to believe in something to get rich off it. ask l ron hubbard.)

which begs the question...

3) does 'knowing the truth' make you happy?

or does it just give you something to complain and preach about? because, i mean, think about it. conspiracy theorists generally range from simply being a ‘stuck on their high horse know-it-all’, to a ‘slightly delusional dude with too much time on his hands’, to a ‘full on tin-foil-hat-wearing paranoid skitzophrenic’. none of which sound too jovial at all, really. and putting so much effort into something that doesnt even make you happy sounds, in all honesty, pretty fuckin retarded.

tommy never realised why everyone called him “fuckwit”

so in conclusion, conspiracy theorists; be done with your retarded bullshit already. your ridiculous beliefs arent helping you, me, or anyone else, so get a girlfriend or a real, actual hobby to waste your time on. because douchebaggery is contagious and the last thing we need is more asshats walking around, infecting society with further wankerism. we already have guidos for that.

No comments:

Post a Comment