Sunday, December 27, 2009

back in my day

kids these days cant party for shit. always with the popping pills just to keep things interesting. uppers, downers, laughers, screamers...
harden the fuck up you little pansies. back in my day, all you needed was a steady supply of beers and the rage would never end. but now, as soon as your buzz shows the early signs of fading, "ooh, better top up with some chemicals so we can wave our glow sticks around like fuckin idiots to this peppy computer music".
speak of which, whats up with all this crappy techno shit? oonce - oonce - oonce - oonce. sounds like someone using a hammer to rhythmically cave-in the side of my skull.
what they need to do is take all that manufactured noise and all those pills and give them to ambulance drivers and fire fighters. if theres anybody you wanna see flying around the scene eyes popping out of theirs, its the motherfuckers that are there to save your life. who are most likely there because you drunk too much in the first place. cant win.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

life lesson

so i got jumped by some fried bogan on saturday night. but i only walked away with a mouthful of blood, top lip the size of a monster truck tyre and an empty wallet (from all the drinking i did afterwards). so all in all, pretty good, considering i copped the cleanest sucker punch since burger king made this ad.

however, this sucks donkey balls for three reasons.


1) i was meant to get a passport this week, and im not really keen to get my picture taken looking like a mix between jay z and mick jagger.


2) being unemployed and broke as a joke, i was gonna get my ricky gervais on and become a tv and movie extra (the way i see it - if im doing fuck all, i might as well be getting paid for it). but this i think this incident took me from 'screen ugly' to 'plain old ugly', rendering me pretty much un-broadcastable. viva la home brand lifestyle.


and finally,


3) no chick, regardless of how much she wants to 'get back' at her daddy, wants to do anything worth writing home about with freddy fuckin kruger. and to think, some poor dame was actually keen, too.


so moral of the story kids - get the first punch in. or at least, learn to get the fuck outta dodge before a fist populates your-face-ville. otherwise, youll end up with no ID, no job, no playmate and no hope or respect*.




*bullshit for emphasis

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

drinking game - mexi

you need:
2 dice
clear table
4+ players


rolls:
1 & 2 = mexi
1 & 3 = scumbag
1 & 1 = snake eyes
5 & 5
4 & 4
3 & 3 etc = doubles

mexi - for every mexi rolled, the loser of that round must consume half a vessel
scumbag - drink and roll again
snake eyes - everybody drinks
doubles - doubles beats any roll apart those already mentioned

-for any other roll, you take the higher of the dices numbers followed by the lowest to get a 2-digit score.
for example, 4 & 6 = 64, 3 & 2 = 32
-if the starting player only rolls once, all other players may only roll once. if they roll twice, everyone else may also do so.
-the lowest score at the end of every round must drink.
-if you accept the dice from anyone passing the dice by hand, you must drink.
-if you roll either or both of the dice off the table, you are losing that round.
-if two players have the same losing score, they roll off with one dice each.
-ALL tie breakers are double or nothing.

drinking game - the name game

you need:
4+ people
knowledge of pop culture
heapsa drinks


-the object of the game is to say the names of famous people, bands or characters.
-you must drink while you think.
-to determine the letter for the next players turn, you take the first letter of the last name from your turn.
for example, if player A says micheal jackson, player B has the letter j for their turn.
-if both names begin with the same letter, then the flow of the circle is reversed.
for example, if player A says micheal jackson, then player B says janet jackson, it is player A's turn on j (as opposed to player C).
-if a said name is only one name, then the final letter of that name is the first letter for the next turn.
for example, if player A says madonna, player B is on the letter A.
-once a name has been said, that name is not valid for the rest of the game.
-players who are not having their turn may say any name (and thus invalidate them for the rest of the game) at any point.
-its the next players turn when you think of a name or finish your drink. whatever comes first.
-half of all players must know a name for it to be valid.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

scribbles

these are all random scribbles i rediscovered when spring cleaning my notebooks. theyre like my own disappointing children as none of them have amounted to anything, and consequently, they should be taken with a grain of salt. or you should feign pride. whatever one makes sense according to the comparison.

----------------------------

im glad i have an asymmetrical facial structure because it makes me one of the very few who truly feel and understand a picasso painting.

i just realised that ive been symbolically married before.
night of the rum challenge. we both walked back from the boys house drunk, and were just hanging out in the lounge. she was lying on the couch and couldnt be bothered getting up to go to bed, so i picked her up, carried her across the threshold of her room, and we had sex for the first time.
i guess the divorce became real when she left with my charlotte hornets starter jacket.

why is it that the heaviest footsteps come from the lightest feet?

my favourite part of flying is the take-off. its like boosting in a fast car, except much faster.
the plane slowly creeps along the runway until a sudden and drastic increase in speed pushes you back into your seat, before the moment of initial ascent lifts the ground up from under you and an airbourne aircraft is achieved.
its all pretty much down hill from there, though.

all talk is lies, the only experience is in truth.

one night during the unholy hours of the morning at a bar in surfers paradise, quite drunk and all alone, i shared a couple drinks with two aussie dudes who'd just been released from prison for a shooting some years before. i would never have known this, however, if one of them hadnt just mentioned the fact in passing conversation.

in my quiet desperation, i have little else to do but numb the pain of perpetual unfulfillment with our good friend alcohol. cheers.

music makes the bad times good and the good times even better.

the australian dream sits like an ornamental pool. aesthetically pleasing to everyone from architects to school children, but the dangerous lack of depth could prove fatal to anyone who decides to dive in head first.

if "the farmer wants a wife", the farmer should be a man and get a wife the normal way. you go to a reality show to find a wife? really? either this is a hoax or these people are grade-A fucking morons. actually, its probably both.

two of my boys are dead already. and thats two too many. but, we do not defeat death by living longer. we defeat death by living well. so everyday youre alive is a reason to celebrate. bottoms up and pour out a little liquor.

you only live when youre willing to die for something else
love is eternal life
when your smell is gone and name forgotten
love will still be young

why must we live this lifestyle where we waste five out of our seven days working a passionless job? life is a celebration. we should spend our time experiencing joy and expressing the inherit freedom of the human condition, not hurrying ourselves in the never-ending pursuit of the elusive dollar.
dare to be lazy. throw caution to the wind and follow your hunger.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

ultra controversial opinions

eyebrows are often raised when i open my mouth. amazed that someone actually had the balls to articulate some of the outrageous stances the voices in my head force me to take. i have decided to share some of these with you. but instead instead of letting my opinions gradually upset your system, like passive smoking, im gonna give it to you all in one hit. like burning to death in a tobacco field.

first of all, i believe there is nothing morally wrong with suicide. if you wanna top yourself before your time, be my guest. just know that you will not be achieving matyrdom with your death, the best you can hope for is a darwin award.

not being opposed to suicide means im pro-euthanasia and pro-abortion. theres too many people on this planet, we might as well start cutting them off at both ends of life.

some people are fine to drive drunk. some people. im not talking about joe boyracer and all his dickhead mates whos own stupidity shouldve wiped them out as soon as their licences were approved, im talking about the dudes whos car you'd jump in when hes drunk because you know the only thing to fear is getting caught. some people are fine. i believe in not punishing everyone because of a few fucking idiots.

i believe democracy doesnt work because most people are too stupid to know whats good for them. give the public a few strategically timed tax cuts and even slavery could be legalised. just like all other animals, our only concern is our immediate well being. not the bigger picture.

and yeah, all this means that i think im smarter than most of you. but im sure you already knew that.

the existence of racism is proof of just how fucking stupid the human race is. think about that for a second - human race... racism... its like being afraid of the mirror.

TV just makes people dumber. news stories are chinese whispers, reality shows are idiot zoo's and celebrity scandals are glorified high school gossip. that cursed box actually makes me envy the deaf and blind.

speaking of media, the music and movies around nowadays are nothing more than entertainment fast food. alright on the weekends, but a solid diet of that shit will start to fuck with your head.

women just aint funny. and unless theyre hot, their sports are just as shitty. sorry to say.

heres something for all the worshippers: evolution is true, theres nothing wrong with gay people and jesus was a political fairy tale.

schools make kids dumb, advertising sells us shit we dont need and personal technology clogs our lives with unnecessary bullshit. modern life is like a cesspool of stupidity.

i dont care when people i dont know die. tsunami? terrorism? bushfire? dont give a fuck. what good is a moments silence?

i dont care about soldiers who faught for my country and died. if they didnt engage in any conflict, worst case scenario would be the enemy takes over our home, we wouldnt exist and things look a little bit different. big deal.

i always found it kinda arrogant that people actually feel that existence is so significant that those who catered to its conditions deserve to be thanked. i mean, who do you think you are? mankinds saviour? get the fuck outta here. youre the same walking talking earth crap as the rest of us. accept it and be happy.



and with that, i bid you ado.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

some blog posts are so awesome they deserve a blog in their own right

from the mind of 'meanest blog ever', comes the follow up of a lifetime,

http://meanestlistever.blogspot.com/

its like the bucket list, except that its actually interesting.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

bye bye long white cloud

tomorrow i begin my journey across the ditch and into the future.

there are many people and things i wish i had the time to see and see again before my departure, but instead of listing disappointed regrets i find myself quietly satisfied with my collection of achievements and conquests thus far. my hope is that lady luck grants a steady increase of momentum for the continued pursuit of happiness in the days ahead of me, and that my transition flows as seamlessly as a turtle scurrying across a sandy beach to the cool sea, where he takes flight underwater with a grace and freedom that is rivaled by few.

i am unsure what exactly to expect in the land of the ex-patriot, but in the face of uncertainty one can only maintain a steadfast sense of self and hope for the best. if anything, this is what new zealand has taught me most. with some number eight wire, a swanndri and a bit of good ol' kiwi ingenuity, we can make a life worth living. i know im gonna a good crack.

but for now, the main sentiment im filled with is of restless anticipation to transcend the current state of limbo. i am the final grains of sand in the top of an hourglass, rapidly spiralling torward the centre to transcend to the other side. vegas today, htown tomorrow, AK friday and gold coast the next. one final taste of the travellers life before rebuilding my world under the mighty sun of queensland. wish me luck.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

friday

wellington international ukelele orchestra
antiform
state of mind

p money
tiki
pendulum
z trip
lupe fiasco
zane lowe
serj tankian
the mint chicks
the black seeds
arctic monkeys
neil young cornerstone roots
the prodigy