more common sayings that are retarded

a while back, i listed a few common sayings that are retarded. and as it turns out, that was only the tip of the iceberg...


"it is what it is"well, no shit, sherlock.
this saying adds absolutely fuck-all to a conversation. i dont know if it even counts as a saying, because it doesnt actually say anything. it says nothing. its like telling everyone what the time is when nobody asked for it. thanks for nothing, captain obivous. itll be your turn to talk again when someone asks what colour the sky is. until then, go put your powers of observation to rest and shut the fuck up.


"a million people cant be wrong"
ha, want a bet?
i bet you could find a HUNDRED million people that believe humans only use 10% of our brains. which is actually wrong.
'cause the thing is, people are actually much dumber than they give themselves credit for. if you ask 100 people how intelligent they are, over 60 of them will say 'average' or 'above average'. this is not fucking possible - 60% of people cannot be average.
so if a dude says "a million people cant be wrong!", just laugh, 'cause they can, and hes obviously one of them.


"anything is possible"
oh reeeally? thats a fact, is it? well, if anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
what, got no answer? yeah, thought as much. so how does it feel to have your mind raped?


"laughter is the best medicine"

no it fuckin isnt. medicine is the best medicine. thats why they call it medicine. otherwise we wouldnt even have anything called medicine. sick people would just be prescribed a few hundred milligrams of giggles, and sent on their way.
if laughter is the best medicine, bust out some of your best one-liners for an epileptic and see how far that gets you. just remember that its probably not good news if theyre on the ground in fits.


"you just need to believe in yourself"the only time you should need to believe in yourself is if youre a god ...thats an atheist. because otherwise, youd probably stop existing.
but, seeing as youre not an atheist god, "believing in yourself" isnt gonna achieve shit. except give you an undeserved sense of self importance. i mean, kelly osbourne presumably believed in herself at some point, and look what happened there.


"youll understand when youre older"

when i was a kid, i always said i never wanted kids myself. to which any adult within earshot would say something to the effect of "youll understand when youre older".
and now that im older? fuck that shit - i still dont want kids. why the hell would i want kids? theyre all just really stupid little people who steal your life, like an evil breed of soul snatching leprechauns or something. the only kids i want in my life are the ones that make my sneakers in sweatshops, at least theyre putting themselves to use. all these other free-loading little bastards are just loudly crying everywhere and covering your fridge with their shitty "artwork".
"youll understand when youre older" is such a crock of shit. the only thing ive come to understand since growing older is something i suspected when i was a kid anyway - that most of the adults i knew were fuckin idiots. no wonder they wanted kids, they just wanted other people around that were on their level.

how to get a dope tat

theres so much wack shit out there these days, so heres my personal guide on how not to fail when getting ink done.

1. figure out what you want im into comic books and ninjas, so i decided to go with my favourite comic book ninja - deadpool. heres a few pictures of the "merc with a mouth" for anybody who isn't familiar with the character:

putting two and two together

so i was watching the 6pm news the other night, just about to eat my dinner, and right before i took the first bite of my chicken, an ad for starving children comes on TV. all sad and hungry and malnourished and, frankly, off-putting. those cunning bastards play those ads at that exact time to make us feel guilty about having nice food in front of us. and it fuckin works.

i thought to myself 'well... that sucks', but before i could even begin to feel sorry for those poor children, an ad for the new double from KFC comes on. two slices of cheese and bacon sandwiched between two tasty fresh 100% breast fillets.

ah, heres an idea - instead of selling your fried heart-attack-sandwich to us fat westerners, just give them to people who actually need them, quit both of your advertising campaigns and let me watch the goddamn sports highlights in peace.


i already know the world is filled with all sorts of horrors and injustices, just like how i already know about the existence of menstrual cycles, pedofiles and animal testing. but i dont need to be shown any of it when im tryna eat my hard earned dinner. have some class, you cheapshot cocksuckers.

and while im on the topic of fast food making us fat - the real problem in our society seems to be a culture of excess consumption. not only is the "obesity epidemic" visible at every turn of head, but now wasting energy and resources is a serious issue too. you cant watch TV for five minutes without seeing some douchebag celebrity preach about global warming and carbon footprints (when half of those same cunts catch a private jet to do an eco-charity concert).

so heres my solution: turn off all the escalators in the entire world. itll save a shit load of electricity, and all the fat fucks in shopping malls will have to walk up a flight of stairs to get to the food court. energy consumption will fall, blood cholesterol will fall, and a few tubby kids will probably fall down the stairs too. everybody wins.

10 more things ill accept as birthday gifts

this is the sequel to last years post, although those things still totally count.

1. warriors jersey

2. size 11 hi-top nike SBs

3. 7.75 inch element deck

4. digital camera

5. single malt scotch

6. a tattoo

7. deadpool classic

8. beats by dre

9. adobe illustrator CS5

10. drawing desk

the world is not gonna end in 2012, you idiots

with all the fucked up natural diasters and shit the planet has been pulling lately, people are scared. shit-scared. so scared they say the world is gonna end. next year. and theres nothing we can do about it. its according to the ancient mayans. 2012. thats when its all gonna end. thats when the whole show is over. think about it - the US suffered a major loss on 09/11/01, the japanese suffered a major loss on 03/10/11. add those dates together and you get 12/21/12. the date of the apocalypse. armageddon. judgement day. the end.

the only thing wrong with this is that its complete bullshit.

firstly, im gonna point out the obvious - you cant add dates together. thats just fuckin retarded. adding random numbers together doesnt mean shit. you can add all the digits in your phone number together but that wont give you your phone bill. same deal here. the only significant figure here is the amount of time you wasted adding the numbers. which, if above zero, is already way too high.

second, the ancient mayans never actually said the world was gonna end. in reality, they made a circle calendar that runs out after about 5000 years, and they started it ...about 5000 years ago. which means its due pretty soon. and when it finally runs out in 2012, the next cycle begins, and thats it. seriously. theres no doomsday prophecy or anything like that. its basically just the biggest mayan new years party ever.

and those crazy bastids knew how to rock

others say nostradamus also predicted the world to end in 2012. which could be true. but then again, he predicted the world to end in 1998 and 2000 as well. which make them seem less like 'prophecies' and more like 'wild stabs in the dark'. because, y'know, if you make enough guesses at anything, eventually youll be right. even a broken clock is right two times a day. (unless the clock is stopped at 4:20. then its right all day. but thats a different story.)

and finally, my personal favourite prediction of the apocalypse, the book of revelations. christian doomsayers the world over have claimed that the apocalyptic scenes from the final book of the bible will come to fruition in 2012. despite the fact that modern scholars say that the book of revelations was actually written about the fall of the roman empire. which, according to my watch, already happened a thousand years ago. thats not a doomsday prediction, thats millenium old political commentary.

so what is causing all these natural disasters? common sense says that either A) this is what the earth just naturally does, B) this is what global warming does, or C) a combination of both. personally, im inclined to go with the latter, but ill accept any of the three as correct answers. numerology, ancient mayans, nostradamus, and the book of revelations will not only get you an incorrect answer, but will actually result in marks being taken off you. yeah, you read that right - marks taken off you. thats just how we roll in the Nappyface school of hard knocks.

class of 2011 dux

but due to a little thing in psychology called confirmation bias -where people will continue to believe something even after its been proven wrong- i know there are people out there who will still believe the world is gonna end in 2012. so i intend to cash in on it: i will bet anyone $100 that the world will not end in 2012. im not even joking. if you got the balls to put your money where your mouth is, be my guest.

(now i know what youre thinking - if the world does end next year, we'll all be dead and i wont have to pay shit. but even if that is the case, youll only be betting cash youll never need anyway. so why not?)

if youre up to it, leave a comment here, on the facebook page, my twitter feed or even by email. or, if you know me IRL, txt me, call me or even hit me wit a good old fashioned handshake in meatspace.

ill accept $100 AUS in cash on january 1st, 2013, but i might also accept a bank deposit under special circumstances.

otherwise, if you still think the world will end but dont wanna take my bet; shut the fuck up.

this facebook thing is getting ridiculous

people these days take the internet way too fucking seriously. i mean, shit, this is the goddamn internet, not your personal memoirs. lighten the fuck up. i remember once upon a time when the web was strictly the realm of anonymous freaks and geeks - nobody gave a flying fuck what you said. probably not even you. outrageous comments were made left, right and centre, and anybody that took that shit seriously was baited into merciless mockery and ridicule (see trolling and flame wars). in the goold old days, the internet was basically just one giant 4chan.

which, trust me, was a good thing.

but now, ohhh no, you gotta be careful what you say, lest the cyber cops hunt you down for crimes against taste. oooh, better watch yourself. i hear the fun police are armed with humour tasers that leave you incapable of laughter ever again. now that everybody uses their real names on facebook, you can be held accountable for everything you say online! decent society will no longer stand for the shennanigans it put up with in the past! all citizens must fear the wrath of being communally frowned upon by the greater population!
that is, unless you never gave a fuck what they thought anyway.

you cant go lower than absolute rock bottom.

case in point - every time a major tragedy (such as a natural disaster) occurs, thousands of people take to their status updates to "support" those affected. now dont get me wrong here - using the internet as a cheap and effective form of communication in times of crisis is awesome, should be encouraged and done with increasing frequency. but simply posting a status update in itself should never be considered legitimate 'support'. if you really wanna help, go volunteer, or at absolute least, make a donation. dont just sit at your computer desk typing out a vaguely sentimental sentence on your facebook account and consider yourself part of the help. donating a tiny bit of your FREE web space doesnt help anyone, anywhere, anytime, with anything. except maybe helping mark zuckerberg fill a giant pool with money.

know whos never been seen in the same room together before? mark zuckerberg and scrooge mcduck. just sayin.

posting a 'thoughtful' message is just saying a prayer without any balls. both amount to exactly fuck all in real life, but at least a prayer has the conviction of its sayer behind it. whats the best possible outcome from a status update? a nobel peace prize?

not gonna happen.

so when i leave a comment that is less than sympathetic to your little 'cause', dont tell me that my comment is "inappropriate". the only thing inappropriate here is your undeserved 'holier-than-thou' sense of self worth. youre the same complacent, apathetic scum as the rest of us, so go out and actually do something or shut the fuck up. jesus h christ.

cottontop tamarin

cottontop tamarin, drawn in pencil, click image to see larger. photograph below for comparison.

5 reasons why i am better than you

you know how sometimes you have to explain something obvious even though its, well, obvious...? because thats exactly what this is. its me taking time out of my hectic schedule of kicking ass to school the unthinking masses on a self evident truth. heres a newsflash for you - yes, you, reading this right now - you are not as good as me. so dont ever think otherwise.

in fact, ive compiled five (out of the possible million) reasons as to why i am of greater value than you. not in any specific sense, per se, but just generally speaking. the following is a list of why you should consider yourself lucky to co-exist with someone so prodigously righteous.

#1 - my taste in everything is heaps cooler.

ok, when i say "my taste in everything is heaps cooler", i dont mean 'everything that matters' - because falling back on relativity is a cop out. no, when i say "everything", i mean every bloody thing - art, design, music, film, tv, literature, fashion, cuisine, alcohol, architecture, industrial design, slang, technology, consumer products, services, women, humour, hobbies, activities, interests. whatever. you name it - if you can have preferences - you can bet your outdated opinions that i have a more refined palette than you.

you know your favourite band/artist, right? yeah, well, i prefer their ealier work. the stuff youve probably never heard before. back from when they were in their raw experimental phase, long before they sold out and became a household name(s). now theyre like a piss poor parody of their former self/selves. so even the cool stuff you like is eclipsed by similar, but cooler, stuff that i like.

thats just the way the cookie crumbles, yo. i dont mean to be so damn super hip to the latest developments in society, it just comes with the territory of being awesome. i would say "you understand", but who am i kidding? you dont. "you marvel" would be a more accurate statement.

#2 - i dont care what you think.

this is the flipside of the coin from my first point - im crazy dope, therefore, everybody else is mega wack, even if just by comparison. and thus, i do not care what you think. words cannot express the magnitude of disregard i have for your opinion, because "infinity" is too small a concept to denote the amount of fucks i do not give.

now i know some of you are thinking "thats not even a real argument"at this point, but you know what? i dont care what you think. duhhh. thats the whole point, noobs. or at least it would be if i actually cared what you thought.

#3 - my dad can beat up your dad.

my dad can beat up your dad any day of the week, and twice on a sunday. my dad can beat your dads whole rugby team in arm wrestle. at once. my dad fights like bruce lee and dances like micheal jackson. except that hes way tougher than bruce lee ever was, and he doesnt dance. he boogies.

one time, my dad gave a whole army a hiding because they refused to recognise him as a 'weapon of mass destruction'. they tried to kill him, but when they pulled the triggers on their guns, their bullets were too afraid to leave the barrell. so after he lined all the soldiers up in a row and knocked all their heads off with a single roundhouse kick, he jumped up, threw a fist into the air and accidentally punched a hole in ozone layer. thats the real story right there, all that noise about "CFCs depleting the ozone" is straight bullshit.

#4 - i do awesome shit all the time.

oh, you dont believe me? lets take a quick stroll through my personal photo album.

this is me and jessica alba courtside, watching micheal jordan and the toon squad play the mean team, which you probably remember from the 1996 documentary 'space jam'. after the game, micheal jordan asked for my autograph, then me and bill murray did tequila shots and drunk some whiskey he got in japan. i think it was called 'suntory times', or something.

this photo was taken last year off the north queensland coast, when i was searching the reef for sunken treasure. a great white tried to take a bite outta me while i was down there, and after a bit of wrestling around underwater, we shot to the surface where i emergred obviously triumphant. the shark died immediately after this photo, presumably from right-jab related injuries.

this is from back in my pro boxing days. this was my comeback championship fight, after id already won the title in every weight division and subsequently given them up, to give the other boxers a chance. i decided to make a comeback and only ever fight with my eyes closed, thinking that it would make it a challenge. it didnt.

look at this photo. look at it. thats me doing a kicflip varial over an exploding volcano. most people dont even have the balls to be on the same island as an active volcano, yet i saw it as be the perfect kodak moment for my sweet skateboarding skills. the only thing greater than the force of mother nature is, evidently, my balls.

#5 - i keeps it real.

nowadays, everybody is an eat ass. everywhere you look, theres big headed egomaniacs with delusions of grandeur and an over-inflated sense of self worth. they go around thinking they know better than everyone else, arrogantly dismissing the opinions of others without trial and usually tell fanciful and exaggerated stories about their fathers. some even go so far as to actually photoshop themselves into glamorous and fantasy-like pictures, in the hopes of creating the impression that they lead a colourful and exciting lifestyle. loony shit really.

not me though. i got my feet firmly planted on the ground, and the only time my head is in the in the clouds is when i skydive. charles de montesquieu once said, "to become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them”. couldnt have said it better myself.

but then again, muhammed ali once said "it aint braggin if you can do it", so you better get used to the idea of the silver medal being the highest possible placement with me in existence. suckers.