Saturday, November 13, 2010

all that is fucked

you know whats fucked? how half of the people that go to a gig or concert nowadays spend the whole time taking photos and video of the performance, instead of actually watching it. whats the point in paying fifty bucks to see a bands live stage show when youre just gonna watch it through a two inch screen? you could just turn up your computer speakers and youtube that shit the next day. but then your best chance of a crazy after party is loading up a youporn video, finding a few spare beers in the fridge and one man karaoke, so you might as well put your damn phone down and enjoy the fucking show. shit aint rocket science.
"did you see when the singer pointed out to the crowd and MOTHERFUCKING FIREWORKS EXPLODED!?"
"oh, nah, i was busy checking the battery on my iphone... that sure sounded cool though."

you know whats fucked? how life suddenly becomes boring as batshit when you grow up. think about it. children have awesome adventure playgrounds everywhere - schools, parks, even mcdonalds has a goddamn play area for the kids. and what do we have? a gym filled with rows of treadmills and an anti-shouting policy. no wonder obesity is such a big issue - the alternative for sitting around not doing shit is lame as hell. they should at least put gyms next to fast food joints or strip clubs (or both - hooters), maybe then we'll actually go.
know where else kids out-do us on the awesomeness scale? TV. kids have fun and entertaining TV shows that teach them heapsa cool stuff all the time, and what the hell do we have? motherfuckin jersey shore. a bunch of rich, tanned up douchebags and plastic sluts complaining about how hard they have it. not only does reality TV only offer drama and a conspicuous lack of substance, but the shit it does have isnt even good. shits got no actors and no writers, so the 'relationship drama' is basically like watching an argument at bar for half an hour. every week. at the same time. reality shows are like sex with rosie o'donnell - even if it is your last option, its still better to just simply do something else. watching that shit actually decreases your IQ by 2 points per episode. but, i guess, childrens TV shows would then become interesting again. so whatever.

you know whats fucked? how bands will release an album, then six months later, release a special edition of the album with bonus tracks, a live DVD and all new kick ass album art. which totally sucks balls for everyone that already bought the album. i.e, the true fans. why the hell they reward the late-to-the-party followers that only bought the album for all the extras is beyond me. wait, is it a money thing? oh, i get it. you do a last ditch effort to pimp the album out to any last fans, and trick the suckers that have already bought it to make another puchase just for all the new crap, right? yeah, well, go fuck yourselves you greedy pieces of shit. if youre one of the few bands whose music i do still actually buy, your back catalog is now considered fair game for downloading and giving to all my friends. and i hope all that extra money you get simultaneously gets you pushed up into a higher tax bracket and robbed in a brutal mugging, you sell out cunts.

you know whats fucked? how you go into a store, and the dude behind the counter promises to "be right with you" as soon as he gets off the phone with a "customer" who was too damn lazy to get off his ass and come in in-person. ahh, look here buddy, im the cash ready one right here and youve put some lethargic asshole and his idiotic queries over me? get your priorities straight and serve me, god damn it. if i didnt wanna buy anything, i woulda stayed home and just rung the store. presumably to complain about the poor customer service.
and on the flip side, i saw a job posting outside a shop last week that said "enquire within". so i did. i went in and asked the chick behind the counter, and she said that all applications are actually done online. what the fuck is the point in having the sign? its like going to a sex shop, only to find yourself redirected to redtube. whether job advertisements or porn, i already know theyre online, so i obviously came into the store for something else - application forms dont print themselves, you dumb fucks.
you go into a store for service, and the guy is more concerned with talking to someone on the phone. you go in to enquire about a job, and the chick tells you to go to the internet. either the customer is always wrong or actual stores are becoming as pointless as a bald hedgehog, because something just aint adding up.

you know whats fucked? how DVDs always start with anti-piracy messages. because, i mean, i bought the DVD. i didnt download it. showing us that shit when we paid for it is a bit like preaching to the choir, dont ya think? and on top of that, theyre bloody stupid directives as well. i hate those fuckin patronising messages, 'cause half the time, they dont even make sense. "you wouldnt steal a car" ...well no shit, sherlock. grand theft auto aint exactly my area of interest right now - i just wanna watch a damn movie. i wouldnt usually cause grievous bodily harm to anyone either, but right now youre tempting me into breaking my rule. of course i wouldnt steal a car, but if i could download an exact copy of a car, you can bet your faulty logic that id be all over that shit. because thats exactly what piracy is - making copies of files, and not stealing any originals. these anti-piracy messages treat us like we're all fuckin idiots. it makes you wanna illegally download movies, just so you dont have to see those goddamn messages again.
"oh, but piracy is immoral. good people dont participate in piracy"
oh, thats a fact, is it? well lets just give that notion the age old morality test of asking "what would jesus do?". everybody get out your bibles. verses 1 - 15 from chapter 6 in the book of john, tell of how jesus feeds five thousand men with five small barley loaves and two small fish, presumably by multiplying them. not only did jesus make one or two copies of the originals, he made thousands, and shared them all with his homies. thats way beyond a single rip of the original, thats straight up biblical bootlegging, right there. and does it mention a union of bakers or fishermen kicking up a stink because jesus is single-handedly destroying their respective industries? no. because that would be retarded.
so there ya have it kids, in plain english - the good lord approves of the pirate bay. go fuckin nuts.

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