Wednesday, January 5, 2011

5 reasons why i am better than you

you know how sometimes you have to explain something obvious even though its, well, obvious...? because thats exactly what this is. its me taking time out of my hectic schedule of kicking ass to school the unthinking masses on a self evident truth. heres a newsflash for you - yes, you, reading this right now - you are not as good as me. so dont ever think otherwise.

in fact, ive compiled five (out of the possible million) reasons as to why i am of greater value than you. not in any specific sense, per se, but just generally speaking. the following is a list of why you should consider yourself lucky to co-exist with someone so prodigously righteous.

#1 - my taste in everything is heaps cooler.

ok, when i say "my taste in everything is heaps cooler", i dont mean 'everything that matters' - because falling back on relativity is a cop out. no, when i say "everything", i mean every bloody thing - art, design, music, film, tv, literature, fashion, cuisine, alcohol, architecture, industrial design, slang, technology, consumer products, services, women, humour, hobbies, activities, interests. whatever. you name it - if you can have preferences - you can bet your outdated opinions that i have a more refined palette than you.

you know your favourite band/artist, right? yeah, well, i prefer their ealier work. the stuff youve probably never heard before. back from when they were in their raw experimental phase, long before they sold out and became a household name(s). now theyre like a piss poor parody of their former self/selves. so even the cool stuff you like is eclipsed by similar, but cooler, stuff that i like.

thats just the way the cookie crumbles, yo. i dont mean to be so damn super hip to the latest developments in society, it just comes with the territory of being awesome. i would say "you understand", but who am i kidding? you dont. "you marvel" would be a more accurate statement.

#2 - i dont care what you think.

this is the flipside of the coin from my first point - im crazy dope, therefore, everybody else is mega wack, even if just by comparison. and thus, i do not care what you think. words cannot express the magnitude of disregard i have for your opinion, because "infinity" is too small a concept to denote the amount of fucks i do not give.

now i know some of you are thinking "thats not even a real argument"at this point, but you know what? i dont care what you think. duhhh. thats the whole point, noobs. or at least it would be if i actually cared what you thought.

#3 - my dad can beat up your dad.

my dad can beat up your dad any day of the week, and twice on a sunday. my dad can beat your dads whole rugby team in arm wrestle. at once. my dad fights like bruce lee and dances like micheal jackson. except that hes way tougher than bruce lee ever was, and he doesnt dance. he boogies.

one time, my dad gave a whole army a hiding because they refused to recognise him as a 'weapon of mass destruction'. they tried to kill him, but when they pulled the triggers on their guns, their bullets were too afraid to leave the barrell. so after he lined all the soldiers up in a row and knocked all their heads off with a single roundhouse kick, he jumped up, threw a fist into the air and accidentally punched a hole in ozone layer. thats the real story right there, all that noise about "CFCs depleting the ozone" is straight bullshit.

#4 - i do awesome shit all the time.

oh, you dont believe me? lets take a quick stroll through my personal photo album.

this is me and jessica alba courtside, watching micheal jordan and the toon squad play the mean team, which you probably remember from the 1996 documentary 'space jam'. after the game, micheal jordan asked for my autograph, then me and bill murray did tequila shots and drunk some whiskey he got in japan. i think it was called 'suntory times', or something.

this photo was taken last year off the north queensland coast, when i was searching the reef for sunken treasure. a great white tried to take a bite outta me while i was down there, and after a bit of wrestling around underwater, we shot to the surface where i emergred obviously triumphant. the shark died immediately after this photo, presumably from right-jab related injuries.

this is from back in my pro boxing days. this was my comeback championship fight, after id already won the title in every weight division and subsequently given them up, to give the other boxers a chance. i decided to make a comeback and only ever fight with my eyes closed, thinking that it would make it a challenge. it didnt.

look at this photo. look at it. thats me doing a kicflip varial over an exploding volcano. most people dont even have the balls to be on the same island as an active volcano, yet i saw it as be the perfect kodak moment for my sweet skateboarding skills. the only thing greater than the force of mother nature is, evidently, my balls.

#5 - i keeps it real.

nowadays, everybody is an eat ass. everywhere you look, theres big headed egomaniacs with delusions of grandeur and an over-inflated sense of self worth. they go around thinking they know better than everyone else, arrogantly dismissing the opinions of others without trial and usually tell fanciful and exaggerated stories about their fathers. some even go so far as to actually photoshop themselves into glamorous and fantasy-like pictures, in the hopes of creating the impression that they lead a colourful and exciting lifestyle. loony shit really.

not me though. i got my feet firmly planted on the ground, and the only time my head is in the in the clouds is when i skydive. charles de montesquieu once said, "to become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them”. couldnt have said it better myself.

but then again, muhammed ali once said "it aint braggin if you can do it", so you better get used to the idea of the silver medal being the highest possible placement with me in existence. suckers.

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