cottontop tamarin

cottontop tamarin, drawn in pencil, click image to see larger. photograph below for comparison.

5 reasons why i am better than you

you know how sometimes you have to explain something obvious even though its, well, obvious...? because thats exactly what this is. its me taking time out of my hectic schedule of kicking ass to school the unthinking masses on a self evident truth. heres a newsflash for you - yes, you, reading this right now - you are not as good as me. so dont ever think otherwise.

in fact, ive compiled five (out of the possible million) reasons as to why i am of greater value than you. not in any specific sense, per se, but just generally speaking. the following is a list of why you should consider yourself lucky to co-exist with someone so prodigously righteous.

#1 - my taste in everything is heaps cooler.

ok, when i say "my taste in everything is heaps cooler", i dont mean 'everything that matters' - because falling back on relativity is a cop out. no, when i say "everything", i mean every bloody thing - art, design, music, film, tv, literature, fashion, cuisine, alcohol, architecture, industrial design, slang, technology, consumer products, services, women, humour, hobbies, activities, interests. whatever. you name it - if you can have preferences - you can bet your outdated opinions that i have a more refined palette than you.

you know your favourite band/artist, right? yeah, well, i prefer their ealier work. the stuff youve probably never heard before. back from when they were in their raw experimental phase, long before they sold out and became a household name(s). now theyre like a piss poor parody of their former self/selves. so even the cool stuff you like is eclipsed by similar, but cooler, stuff that i like.

thats just the way the cookie crumbles, yo. i dont mean to be so damn super hip to the latest developments in society, it just comes with the territory of being awesome. i would say "you understand", but who am i kidding? you dont. "you marvel" would be a more accurate statement.

#2 - i dont care what you think.

this is the flipside of the coin from my first point - im crazy dope, therefore, everybody else is mega wack, even if just by comparison. and thus, i do not care what you think. words cannot express the magnitude of disregard i have for your opinion, because "infinity" is too small a concept to denote the amount of fucks i do not give.

now i know some of you are thinking "thats not even a real argument"at this point, but you know what? i dont care what you think. duhhh. thats the whole point, noobs. or at least it would be if i actually cared what you thought.

#3 - my dad can beat up your dad.

my dad can beat up your dad any day of the week, and twice on a sunday. my dad can beat your dads whole rugby team in arm wrestle. at once. my dad fights like bruce lee and dances like micheal jackson. except that hes way tougher than bruce lee ever was, and he doesnt dance. he boogies.

one time, my dad gave a whole army a hiding because they refused to recognise him as a 'weapon of mass destruction'. they tried to kill him, but when they pulled the triggers on their guns, their bullets were too afraid to leave the barrell. so after he lined all the soldiers up in a row and knocked all their heads off with a single roundhouse kick, he jumped up, threw a fist into the air and accidentally punched a hole in ozone layer. thats the real story right there, all that noise about "CFCs depleting the ozone" is straight bullshit.

#4 - i do awesome shit all the time.

oh, you dont believe me? lets take a quick stroll through my personal photo album.

this is me and jessica alba courtside, watching micheal jordan and the toon squad play the mean team, which you probably remember from the 1996 documentary 'space jam'. after the game, micheal jordan asked for my autograph, then me and bill murray did tequila shots and drunk some whiskey he got in japan. i think it was called 'suntory times', or something.

this photo was taken last year off the north queensland coast, when i was searching the reef for sunken treasure. a great white tried to take a bite outta me while i was down there, and after a bit of wrestling around underwater, we shot to the surface where i emergred obviously triumphant. the shark died immediately after this photo, presumably from right-jab related injuries.

this is from back in my pro boxing days. this was my comeback championship fight, after id already won the title in every weight division and subsequently given them up, to give the other boxers a chance. i decided to make a comeback and only ever fight with my eyes closed, thinking that it would make it a challenge. it didnt.

look at this photo. look at it. thats me doing a kicflip varial over an exploding volcano. most people dont even have the balls to be on the same island as an active volcano, yet i saw it as be the perfect kodak moment for my sweet skateboarding skills. the only thing greater than the force of mother nature is, evidently, my balls.

#5 - i keeps it real.

nowadays, everybody is an eat ass. everywhere you look, theres big headed egomaniacs with delusions of grandeur and an over-inflated sense of self worth. they go around thinking they know better than everyone else, arrogantly dismissing the opinions of others without trial and usually tell fanciful and exaggerated stories about their fathers. some even go so far as to actually photoshop themselves into glamorous and fantasy-like pictures, in the hopes of creating the impression that they lead a colourful and exciting lifestyle. loony shit really.

not me though. i got my feet firmly planted on the ground, and the only time my head is in the in the clouds is when i skydive. charles de montesquieu once said, "to become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them”. couldnt have said it better myself.

but then again, muhammed ali once said "it aint braggin if you can do it", so you better get used to the idea of the silver medal being the highest possible placement with me in existence. suckers.

conspiracy theorists say the darnedest things

theres nothing more irritating than a dumb ass that is convinced theyre intelligent. so if youve ever met a conspiracy theorist before, youll know first hand just how mind blowingly irritating they are.

“why?”, i hear the unaware of you ask. well, for starters, they never shut the fuck up. conspiracy theorists will constantly be all up in your grill with their theories and evidence in such a manner that, even if it were completely and undeniably true, would still be annoying as hell. its like being at a party stuck talking to the guy who only wants to talk to you about politics, when all you wanna do is get crunk and hit on as many chicks with low self esteem as possible. knowing a conspiracy theorist is like being stuck in that conversation all the fucking time. “truth seekers”, as they sometimes refer to themselves (who do they think they are? legend of zelda characters?), will preach about the evils of the corporations, the government and ‘the man’ in general until the cows come home. theyre preachier than the most vocal of vegans or eco-freaks. shit, conspiracy theorists are even worse than christians.

and thats no easy feat.

now dont get me wrong, im open to the possibility of some of these theories being true. 9/11 cover up, apollo moon landing, super mario being communist... these are all conspiracy theories with at least some reasonable evidence to back up the claim. that aint what ive got an issue with. believing these things are true isnt what makes you an idiot. actually giving a fuck about them is what makes you an idiot. because, in the grand scheme of things, it doesnt even matter whether or not its true.

stay with me for a second here – lets assume that whatever conspiracy theory you believe in is indeed true. working on that premise, i invite all conspiracy theorists to ask themselves the following questions:

1) are you actually gonna do anything about it?
and no, 'posting stuff on internet forums to open peoples eyes' does not count as doing something about it. just like how posting an intentionally cryptic status on facebook doesnt make you deep or poetic - it makes you an attention whore - posting crap on the internet doesnt effect anyone elses day with anything apart from mild annoyance. by “actually doing something”, i mean taking real world action, with some sort of goal or resolution to aim for. like changing international law and effectively abolishing sweatshop labour. or whatever. talking shit is only ‘real world action’ when over a thousand people hear your words and feel compelled to do something because of it.

pictured: not you

now im guessing that therell be a small handful who would answer "yes" to that question, but the overwhelmingly more popular response to that question would be a loud and resonant "no". so im gonna go ahead and mark this one “Nappyface – 1, conspiracy theorists – 0”.

2) are you directly benefiting from 'knowing the truth'?
and dont give me any of this "knowledge is power" crap either, because your ideas cant really be called “knowledge” when only stoners and paranoid skitzophrenics believe ‘em. that aint knowledge, thats a goddamn m night shyamalan movie. no, im talking actual, measurable benefits here. so unless youre increasing your cashflow, respect, power and/or pussy by ‘knowing’ what you know, your answer most definitely has to be "no".

(heh, but even an affirmative answer would then call your motives in question, because you dont even have to believe in something to get rich off it. ask l ron hubbard.)

which begs the question...

3) does 'knowing the truth' make you happy?
or does it just give you something to complain and preach about? because, i mean, think about it. conspiracy theorists generally range from simply being a ‘stuck on their high horse know-it-all’, to a ‘slightly delusional dude with too much time on his hands’, to a ‘full on tin-foil-hat-wearing paranoid skitzophrenic’. none of which sound too jovial at all, really. and putting so much effort into something that doesnt even make you happy sounds, in all honesty, pretty fuckin retarded.

tommy never realised why everyone called him “fuckwit”

so in conclusion, conspiracy theorists; be done with your retarded bullshit already. your ridiculous beliefs arent helping you, me, or anyone else, so get a girlfriend or a real, actual hobby to waste your time on. because douchebaggery is contagious and the last thing we need is more asshats walking around, infecting society with further wankerism. we already have guidos for that.