Monday, March 15, 2010

green is the new black (plague)

back in the good old days, when eddie murphy was funny and pamela anderson was hot, 'green' meant one of three things: money, marijuana, or tommy - the green power ranger. but ever since the advent of internet banking, purple haze, and al gore introducing the idea of 'consequences' to the greater public population, the colour green, through no fault of its own, is being pimped out to represent all sorts of random crap. random crap like the "eco-friendly" efforts of the corporate world, hippie politics, or tommy - the green power ranger.

classics never die.

this is because, over the past decade or so, its become increasingly apparent (read: bloody obvious) that the corner-cutting habits of the walking problem that is man, have left earth a little peeved. and by "a little peeved", i mean "pissed off enough to kill and injure thousands of people at once, increasingly regularly". numerous earthquakes, tsunamis and bushfires illustrating the point that this beautiful planet of ours just shouldnt have been fucked with.

so naturally, people all around the globe are loosing their freakin minds over this. everythings being given a go to resist the inevitable, from tree hugging to fart taxes. its almost like mankind has come full circle - from sacrificing animals for bloodthirsty gods, to embracing science and using it to learn about the world, to suddenly being back with a new found fear of mother natures wrath. which means humans turning on each other is pretty much next.

now this may be because i grew up watching cartoons like toxic crusader and captain planet -- so forgive me if i use the power of five element-themed magic rings to summon an environmentally concious green haired superhero version of macgyver here -- but werent we meant to be kinda keeping on eye on the whole 'earth crapping itself' situation the whole time? when exactly did it become cool to let our guard down, and just go watch monster trucks or something? because nobody told me. and i love watching monster trucks.

fuck yeah.

but instead of car crushing awesomeness, all i see is desperate attempts to save our asses from, well, our own asses. its like watching a bull try to smash-proof a china shop, but on a grand scale.

as tony veitch will certainly tell you, quick solutions dont fix long standing problems. especially if theyre applied long after they couldve even had any significant effect anyway. just like how wearing a condom when shes already pregnant wont give her an abortion, taking shorter showers aint gonna do shit when its pretty well established that the world does indeed hate us. except make us stink.

so to the people of earth, my advice is to simply think " fuck it" and carry on getting wasted every weekend. the planet is pretty much screwed beyond repair now, we might as well just kick back and enjoy the ride to oblivion. (allegedly) intelligent life will be the only real loss, and we're the ones who made this whole mess in the first place, so fair is fair. think of it as 'societal seppuku'.

"oh, but what about the polar bears?", i hear you animal lovers ask. "the ice that they live on is melting faster than ever, and they cant swim their entire lives! should we just let them die for our mistakes!?". yeah, thats a fair point, but guess what? screw polar bears. theyd cut down rainforests and pollute your planet, forcing you out of your natural habitat and effectively into extinction kill you too, given the chance. and dont, even for a second, think that they wouldnt.

pictured: heartless murderers

sure, animals are gonna die and species will become extinct. but on a grand timeline of nature, that shit happens all time. you dont hear me crying about velociraptors being extinct, so go take a long eco-unfriendly shower, you smelly know-it-all hippie.

besides, grizzly bears kick so much more ass.

1 comment:

  1. oh boy. you have some good points, although i disagree with your conclusion. firstly i would like to point out that i am not a hippie, yet i do think shorter showers will help. you are right in saying the world is fucked. The thing i fight for, is whether the world becomes uninhabitable within my kids lifetime, or if we can stretch that out further. When I said shorter showers will help, i didn't mean by saving water. Truth is, NZ could be 100% renewable, eco-friendly, green, whatever other trendy word you want to use, and that would have pretty much ZERO impact on the state of the world. Societal change is what will slow the degradation of the world, but it is the hardest to change. We have the technology, but it's too expensive for people to buy. In my opinion, Governments and corporates basically need to force the people into choosing better products and services, by supporting them both financially and in accessibility. People will NOT adopt "green" ways in any significant amount in time to "save" the earth unless they are the cheapest and easiest options.
    Don't sass me.