Friday, April 16, 2010

4 people that deserve a kick in the balls (part I)

lets face it: most people are fuckwits. between the annoying bastards that talk during movies, lighter thieves, melodramatic motormouths, emo kids and good old fashioned racists, the grey area of 'genuinely good people' seems to be in rapid decline. nice guys finish last, so now everybody wants to be an asshole.

yet some of these same assholes take it upon themselves to up the ante of being a muppet, and ive managed to compile a small sample right here, all without being enraged enough to hulk out and break the internet.

this time.


kid rock

besides being enough of a douchebag to make pamela anderson actually go back to tommy lee, kid rock is the only 'rocker' in recent memory able to hold the dubious claim of completely butchering two classic songs simultaneously. thats right, he somehow managed to do worse than karaoke for the deaf, 'cause at least they only wreck one at a time.

both "sweet home alabama" and "werewolves of london" were doin just fine before kid rock mashed them together, stripped them both of their original charm, filled them in with a kind of fred durst showmanship, then paraded a few girls and guns around for the music video. its like he cut and pasted davincis 'mona lisa' and jackson pollocks 'number 1' together, sprayed a che guevarra stencil over the top, and put his 'masterpiece' on every cheap t shirt and bumper sticker that sweatshop labour could produce. then used a screwdriver to stab a puppies eyes out, just to prove he could.

anyone arrogant enough to call themselves an artist should at least have the sensibility to not go around acting like a raging donkey dick. sure, you might make a quick buck, but dont expect one good pound of beef to be your cash cow. 'cause the thing is, when your prepubescent fanbase eventually grows up and realises that youre an embarrassing excuse for an artist, theyll abandon your wack ass and the only thing left to comfort you will be a catalogue of substanceless shit.

now, thats a bitch slap of truth right there, and a kick in the nuts is the only thing real enough to cut through kid rocks arrogance to give the aforementioned bitch slap any effect. which is why he deserves a hard, steel capped one.


michael laws

michael laws is basically new zealands equivalent of bill o'reilly: loud, ignorant, and completely infuriating to anybody that isnt an absolute bigot. listening to this guy speak is like repeatedly smacking yourself in the head with a baseball bat. except that a baseball bat probably doesnt make you hate brown people.

i guess its not really surprising when you consider the fact that hes a right wing politician turned talkback radio host. thats pretty much the formula for the michael jordan of shit talking. hes like a reverse pinocchio - his nose will only grow if he speaks a word of truth or sense.

some of laws' greatest hits include; replying to the letters of maori school children with racist rhetoric, calling the tongan king a "brown slug", and eating the faces of newborn babies. (probably). the fact that he hasnt already been met with a swift knee to the family jewels defies popular belief and, with the sheer amount of people that i have presume to have tried, seemingly even the laws of physics itself. its about time someone introduced laws to my old friend 'pain' through the most unceremonial of surprise parties. a kick to the nuts probably wouldnt help shut him up, but goddamnit, it'd be satisfying.


brian tamaki

i generally try not to judge or attack the religious beliefs of others, but seriously, destiny church can suck my cock. 'cause if god made man in his own image, the greasy haired scumbag pictured above is proof that god is a sadistic con man.

brian tamaki is the prick responsible for ATMs in churches. yeah, hes actually put money machines in places of worship. now im not exactly mr current affairs when it comes to christianity, so correct me if im wrong, but isnt the church meant to be the house of god or some shit? when the fuck did it become a shopping mall? i never realised holy water was only available at the food court. next youll be telling me that they sell altar boy costumes at the sex shop.

last time i checked, the price of salvation was accepting the lord jesus christ as your one true saviour. which costs absolutely nothing (according to rough estimates, anyway). only reason youd need an ATM in a church is to see how much money youve saved from not funding the good bishops latest holiday cruise, which youd know anyway from the extra 20% of your weekly wages still in your savings account. meaning that the whole idea is pretty much a just bold faced scam from a greedy religious hypocrite.

jesus may still love you brian, but i think youre a cunt.

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